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Like all of you, I'm a number of things to a number of people...Navy wife, homeschooling mama, educated woman and aspiring writer. Read my thoughts on all of it here. Please feel free to leave your thoughts on all of it too!

Monday, January 3, 2011

"Tell me about your relationship with your mother..."

I know it's not always the mother that is the root of all mental health issues, but lately I feel like it is going to be me that the kids will have deep seeded issues they'll need to work out on some one's couch some day.  Does anyone still use a couch?  Probably...probably those that cost an arm and a leg...good thing Gracie has several jobs lined up and Jace is crazy smart and Tyler's going to be a robber.  That way they can pay for all the therapy I feel like I'm setting them up for. 

(For the record, I don't think Tyler's going to be a robber - Jace does.  I see him more as a cool high school teacher and coach.)

OK, I'm hopefully not really causing that much mental anguish, but I kind of feel like I'm a total wreck and, therefore, not being a great mama.  Last night I walked downstairs to look at the classroom, which I hadn't thought about in a week and a half.  I blew.  I yelled every one's name and scolded them for the mess and yelled at them to clean it up.  I made myself very clear that anything that was in my way this morning when I came down to teach them would get put in a garbage bag and thrown into the garbage bin.  Then I stomped upstairs immediately regretting the yelling, what I said, how I said it. 

Our classroom is also our playroom.  There are Legos (a lot of Legos) that are allowed to stay out and set up on a coffee table very near our classroom table.  So, obviously, when not kept in check, the little Lego men expand their lands under the table and on the table and wherever else they can think of.  It only makes sense.  And Gracie likes to color and those materials are in a cart right next to the table too.  So, again, when not kept in check, they'll get left on the table and dropped on the floor.  I haven't been checking.  The kids are 7, 5, and 3 years old...they haven't been caring.  Of course the table is covered and the floor is covered.  Of course. 

Of freakin' course! 

So I cried.  I haven't been sleeping well, although not for lack of trying.  I miss my husband more than I thought I would, which probably sounds bad, but honestly he hasn't been around much the last few months anyway, so I didn't think his not being around at all would hurt so much.  That probably doesn't sound any better.  Anyway, I'm also trying to kick the treats of the holidays and my old friend Mt. Dew to the curb and might be suffering from withdrawal.  Whatever the reasons...I cried. 

And Gracie came up from cleaning up the classroom and gave me a big hug, and apologized for frustrating me by not picking up her toys.  The first thing that came to mind was the fact that abused women often apologize to their abusers for 'making them' so angry.  That's when I thought that it may not always be the mom, but in our case it might be.

And, while I sit here writing this, Tyler is sitting next to me counting the letters on my shirt.  (I didn't know he could count to six!)  And then he asked me what my t-shirt says.


That's the shirt...and when I read it to him?  You guessed it - I cried!  See?  I'm a wreck!  I don't feel super anything...except tired.  That definitely describes me these days.  

So, what's my point?  I don't want to be the reason my kids seek therapy in the future, but I fear that life isn't always about what I want.  Bummer, huh?


"Say What?" said...

My husband and I share an inside joke about not having a college fund for the kids, but having a therapy fund. We think they'll need that more. :)

((hugs)) to you and in my opinion, it's ok to get frustrated and it really is ok to cry. When things are not ok, the kids need to know that. Having met you on a few occasions, I know you are not abusing your children. It's not hard to see how much you love them and care for them.

I think the key here is to say you are sorry for getting loud and frustrated. Let them know you feel bad about it. My parents NEVER said "I'm sorry" and I've been big on letting my kids know that when I screw up, I'll own it. I think this will also teach them the great joy of forgiveness ... which they will need many times in life.

Hope this helps. Blessings to you and yours.

Annie said...

I agree with teaching them forgiveness. I do try to admit when I'm wrong. And tonight when I read my shirt and cried they questioned that and I reminded them theat sometimes when they're tired they cry over silly things too. Then they laughed at me and said I should go to bed early. No arguments here! lol

thanks for your comments...they do help.

Elizabeth&Chris said...

You are doing a wonderful job. It is hardwork and everyone gets tired. Hopefully you get a break soon. I wish I was in town to help. When I get back, I will insist on a long playdate with all three. ;o)


Mary Teresa said...

Sister. I feel like your kids will need less therapy than mine. And you and Scott are one of the examples Nick and I look to for parenting advice. Breathe. Get on facebook and whine to me (I whine back) and tell the kids you love them and you love daddy and miss him. I'm sure tehy miss him too. It happens. Now cheer up buttercup and go play legos. =)

Domestic Diva said...

Hey Annie- I couldn't help but notice in your entry you mentioned giving up the holiday sweets and Mt. Dew, you thought maybe that might have a small effect on your mood-I am the daughter of a nutritionist and my parents own a health clinic-this is no foreign territory to me and I know for a fact this is having a HUGE impact on your mood. You need to be supporting your body through the withdrawls, yes you ARE having withdrawls! Very serious ones. If you have a good multi vitamin thats a good place to start. Give me a call if you want some more ideas, even some mood lifter foods. If your body is supported physically, you will be amazed at how your emotions calm. I could go on forever explaining all this stuff, but this isn't really the place. Really, though-please call me, I'd love to help you in this way if I can.

Annie said...

thank you...everyone! Domestic Diva...I completely agree about the withdrawals, which is why I put it up there as an excuse (with my long list of them!). Today has gone much better and I didn't crave the Mt. Dew like I have the past few days. So, I think the worst is behind us, as far as that goes. Thanks so much for offering help.