Chicken or The Egg?

We've all heard the deep, philosophical question about which came first, the chicken or the egg.  If you're anything like me, you haven't put that much deep, philosophical thought into this question, though.  It's one of those things that I've always figured doesn't really matter.  The bottom line is, both need the other to continue being.  If there are no eggs, chickens will cease to exist.  If there are no chickens, eggs won't be either.  I don't really care which one came first back in the day...I see a reason to take care of both. 

That's right. Both chickens and eggs need to be cared for. So, which should come first? Present tense. Right now, which one should be cared for, nurtured, loved in the now?

These are the questions that have been pestering me a lot lately.

There are so many of us mothers who think the kids ought to be first and foremost. We should put our needs on the back burner and give our all to our families. It's easy to think that if we don't jump every time they whimper we're being bad parents or neglecting their needs somehow. But I propose that taking care of us is just as important.

Just like the chicken and the egg, without proper care of both mother and child, something is gonna happen and it might not be a good thing! Scrambling...roasting...something other that well adjusted, happy, healthy poultry - or people, whichever we're talking about here.

So, perhaps the real question is, where is the rooster in all this? Something to think about, huh?

Speaking only for humans, mostly because I don't know much about birds, I think it's up to the adults to keep an eye on mom and make sure she's taking care of herself.  That means there is time to grocery shop on her own, get a massage, read a book without pictures, go out with friends.  There is time.  There is a way.  Make it a priority. 

Scott and I were talking with someone recently who was saying how much crap her husband gives her for trying to get away for a few hours.  This is not a problem with us.  And Scott's response was a great one. 

 "I don't necessarily like staying home with the kids, but as long as I don't have to cook...And it's important for Annie to have that time to herself, for her sanity and mine."

True dat.

Our motto (unwritten) has always been to want the best for the other and you'll end up getting the best in return.  As parents, as a couple, as people - we do what we can to support the other in achieving their best.  It's what we do to take care of each other.  In turn, don't you think we're taking care of the kids too?  (See, I didn't forget about them!)  I do. 

I know it can't be about me all the time, but it isn't about my eggs (turned lovely, little monsters, er...monkeys) either. 

Chicken or egg?

Mother or children?

Both.

My Back Itches

Don't you hate when you've got an itch in between your shoulder blades and you can't get it?  Don't you love when you're honey notices you squirming and asks, "Can I help you with something?"

Do you get frustrated when the recycling is piling up and the garbage is overflowing and you notice it but are just so busy with life that you don't take it out?  Don't you love when you've finally finished everything else and you're just about to flop down on the couch for the night and you remember them and head to the kitchen only to see they've been taken out by your love?

Doesn't it drive you up a wall when you're washing a quick load of dishes while stirring dinner on the stove and one of your kids comes up behind you whining, "Mama...can you (fill in the blank)?"  And don't you love it when you're gritting your teeth before growling, "What?" at that innocent babe and you hear, "Come here.  Let Dada help you," from the other room?

Decision Making and A Decision Made

A few weeks ago, I think (I can't keep track these days!), I found out about a job opening that I wasn't looking for.  A few months back I found out that the job existed, but someone had it.  Daphne has had this position for somewhere around 14 years.  But I love the sound of her job and told Scott it might be something I could do someday.  And then Daphne called me while I was shopping at Target and asked me if I knew she was retiring.  I did know that, but I have a few unpaid jobs already and hadn't considered applying for her job. 

But she called me.  She wanted me to know that my degree and personality would be ideal for this position, her position.  I told her I'd think about it, seriously, and went back to shopping.

Mrs. Mama

I don't know if multitasking and combining roles or jobs is all that new, really.  Just think about parents - they've been around for a while and I don't know anyone who is "just a parent."  So I think we just keep changing the name for things and adjusting what we're multitasking as times and situations change around us.

What Makes Me Awesome

So, there I was innocently minding my own business on facebook.  When suddenly Smrt Mama posted all sorts of things that I found interesting and possibly even important.  In the midst of all the things she shared was something she put on her blog back in November.  It was an exercise in realizing how incredible you are.  I didn't do it then.  I was busy, tired, had all sorts of excuses.  But today I decided I'd take a crack at it.  What about you?  Are you ready to see how awesome you are?

Friday Fill-In #30

It's back!  With some great questions from the milspouses that answer the questions each week...check it out!

1.  What is your favorite MilSpouse blog (not including Wife of a Sailor who we all love, or your own)? submitted by Our Crazy Life (Wifey note: whaaaat? You can’t say my blog? No fun! LOL, just kidding)


I don't actually read a lot of blogs regularly, but the two I find myself drawn to most often are Randomonium (not only is she a Navy wife, but she's also primal - bonus for me!) and Planting Shade (a dear friend of my sister who's personality and writing style reach out to me).

2.  What are your favorite perks about your s/o being deployed (we all know there are perks)? submitted by Ramblings of a Marine Wife

I like realizing all the things I love about him all over again.  There's probably more, but right now, at this point in the patrol I don't want to think about what's good about him being gone, I just want to be excited that he's going to be home sooner rather than later and the perks that come with that!

3.  How long did you date your before getting engaged? Married? submitted by Utterly Chaotic

Well, on and off since 5th grade!  I'm serious.  It was way back then when I thought he was boring that she laughed and said, "You're probably going to marry him."  After years of holding hands on the bus and getting in trouble for calling long distance to dedicate songs to him on the radio (yes, there was a time that people paid for long distance calls by the minute!) we dated for over a year in high school. 

He broke up with me near the end of our Senior year so that he could join the Navy and I wouldn't feel tied to him.  (I'm still not sure if he was being thoughtful or selfish - but it worked.)  We remained friends and we both sorta dated other people.  In my Sophomore year of college we officially got back together, got engaged during Junior year and were married the month after I graduated from college...10 1/2 years ago!
4.  What do you think your would do if s/he wasn’t in the military? submitted by Adventures of M-Squared

He believes that if we hadn't gotten married he probably would have gotten out of the Navy and gone to Alaska to make some money on the fishing boats and been a climber in the mountains around here during the off season.  But if we were still married and he just wasn't in...I really don't know.  What he'll do after he retires from the Navy is something we discuss frequently and the options range from self-employed wood worker and general handyman to wearing a new uniform, a suit and tie, in whatever the equivalent of division officer is in the civilian world.  Time will tell...

5.  If you could talk to the Secretary of (fill in your appropriate branch) what is one suggestion you would like to bring to their attention in order to improve the lives of military families? submitted by My Life as His (Air Force) Wife

Such a thought provoking question.  I'm trying to think about what would make my life easier...one thing that would really help is to have free childcare at the gym.  I know, it's a little silly with all the other things that could be done.  But it would really help me to be able to jump in the pool every now and then.  Heck, I'd even pay for childcare...not much, but something...I just want it at the gym!

Marriage Challenge

Just a little note...Courtney, at Women Living Well is hosting a marriage challenge.  This is the third week of it.  I've been reading here and there, dropping in on Courtney and the other women who have linked up to read their experiences.  Wouldn't you know that it would take a post about intimacy...sex...to have me post! 

Basically, while I was reading one of the linked blogs (Sara Beth's) she asked how we, her readers, show our husbands that they're number one.  I commented to her and decided to put a little something on here.  I highly value marriage.  I think it's an incredible gift to commit your life to someone and feel fuller because of them.  I know there are a lot of less than ideal marriages and I also know that no marriage can be a bed of roses all the time.  But I think it's the most wonderful thing that Courtney and Sara Beth and so many others are putting their marriages in the spot light in their lives. 

I miss my husband.  Everyone knows that.  Somehow it gives me joy to know others are cherishing theirs just a little bit more these days.  To you ladies...I know you're not doing it for me, but thank you for doing it for you and your spouse. 

For the rest of you, if you haven't taken a look at the marriage challenge and are interested.  Here are the three posts Courtney has put out already. 

Week 1: Praise
Week 2: Creative Praise
Week 3: Pursuing Intimacy

Friday Fill-In #26

It's been a while!  Between Wifey's holiday and homecoming break and my bread for no good reason other than life took over...I haven't been very consistent with these little questionnaires.  But, I think I'm ready to be back at it!  Woo hoo! 

1.What are you looking forward to most in 2011? from Jessica Lynn Writes

Visitors.  As a family of five we're not going to be flying home (WA to NY) on a whim anytime soon.  So, I'm really excited to see the family that can come see us here.  We've got several on the books for March and April and hopefully some more this summer!


2.What is something random you do on a boring night when your significant other is away? from Lovin Ma Soldier

You mean other than answer questions on my blog?  Seriously, though, I do that even when he is around.  So, something I do when he's not around...I watch a lot of Dateline, 48 Hours, Real Forensics...that sort of thing.  They're not his favorites and I am simply amazed by how screwed up people can be. 
3.What has been your greatest adventure as a MilSpouse? from Misadventures of An Army Momma

I feel like right now is my greatest adventure.  Only recently have I realized that I'm in a unique position.  I'm an officer's wife, he's prior enlisted, and I'm on the FRG board.  Bottom line?  I have a lot of people to interact with and a lot of avenues to try when working towards improvements.  I don't fit a stereotype (that I know of) and that's perfect for who I try to be. 

4.What is the ugliest fashion trend you ever bought into (I’d like to make fun of you, so can you please provide a picture as well)? from More Than An Army Wife

I don't know about ugly, but perhaps behind the times.  In middle and high school (early and mid 90's) we were reluctant to let go of the 80's and boldly blended our grunge with our leg warmers! 
5.What was the high point of last month?

Last month had a high point?  Honestly it was a rough month.  I don't even want to think about it long enough to pick out a high point, so I'll just focus on the future. 

Don't forget to go check out other people's answers and join in yourself!  See ya next week!

Prince Charming

A friend of mine recently mentioned arranged marriages.  The first thought I had was a comment my mom made when I was in 5th grade.  I'd never thought of it as her arranging anything, but she definitely put the thought in my mind and if my parents had been in the business of arranging marriages, they may have actually chosen the same way I did.

See, in 5th grade I liked two boys: Joe Marcin and Scott Gebel. 

It depended on the week who I liked more.  But one day my mom and I must have been talking about who I liked and she mentioned Scott and I said, "What?  Scott?  No way.  He's too boring.  I like Joe."

I don't think I could see Mom's face, but it was a while ago so I can't say for sure.  But I feel like I heard her smile more than I saw it when she responded, "You're probably going to end up marrying Scott."

I don't know how the rest of that chit chat went.  I probably said, "Whatever!" and walked away.  That sounds like something a pre-teen would do.  Most likely I rolled my eyes too.

A few years later those swimmers shoulders and too-tight jeans had my attention.  Joe was still a good friend, but never anything more.  But, Scott...he became more.  He probably was way back in middle school when Mom first planted that seed.

In the movies Prince Charming often wears armor or a cape.  He's riding a brilliant steed or driving a fancy car.  And always...he's charming.  Scott is many things...but charming probably isn't one of the adjectives others would use to describe him.  He's direct, honest, confident, loyal, smart, strong, motivated, loving.  He's more than I could have asked for.  In fact, he's more than I thought I was getting!  He's incredible, truly, but not necessarily charming.  He'll likely never think of a candlelit dinner as his ideal date night.  He rarely buys me flowers or jewelry.  And I'd have to really beg to get him to take me to a play. 

Perhaps he's not Prince Charming.

Perhaps. 

I did fall in love with him over pizza and wings and Euchre games.  He did smell like the farm for many years and break up with me days before our senior trip.  He may like to watch Two and A Half Men because Charlie makes him look good.  This is the man who chose me. 

 Or, as my dad is fond of saying, I chased him until he caught me. 

Even though he may not be Hollywood's idea of perfection and charm...he's mine.  There's not a better match out there for me.  There's not a man who could hold my attention like Scott does.  No matter what you call him, what adjectives you use, he's my match, my mate, my friend, my love. 

My husband.

And, by the way...I'm no princess. 

But today, tomorrow, and always...I'll be Scott's wife.

One Word

Have you thought about one word to describe yourself?  I've been asked in interviews to use one or two words to list my best and worst qualities.  I've played a few version of the ice breaker when I needed to come up with one word to tell about me.  Most recently though, I read a couple blog posts that got be thinking about one word that can serve as my motivation throughout the upcoming year. 

Shauna and Courtney both talk about having a concept to guide us through the year rather than setting resolutions.  I haven't set New Year's resolutions in years.  Scott and I are talkers and planners.  We're constantly setting goals, discussing progress, and adapting.  So, I don't see the need to set certain goals at certain times.  Reading their posts, though, got me thinking about a motto for my year. 

In 2010 Courtney's theme word was connecting.  Under that umbrella she worked on connecting with God, family and her blog followers too!  She's chosen simplify for 2011.  I think that's a beautiful word and a wonderful theme.  I think she's going to have a great year creating space to focus on the connections she's worked on this year.  I was tempted to use that concept as my own, but I think I'm going to do something a little different.  After all, I think I'm in the process of complicating my life rather than simplifying it...maybe that'll be next year!




 
Shauna's new year will revolve around love, which I think is completely appropriate.  I don't know Shauna personally, but I feel like her posts are ones that ooze goodness and caring.  Whenever I read something on her blog I feel inspired.  I look forward to reading more about her journey this coming year to love and "doing what I can do where I can do it with all my heart and being."

So, I started by reading these two posts.  I put some consideration into it.  And I cheated...I've always bent the rules a little with these one word games.  It started way back in 4H camp when I had to come up with an adjective that started with the first letter of my name to introduce myself with.  I was at the end of the circle and wasn't sure what I was going to say until it got to me and I came up with "All of the above Annie."  I know, not one word at all.  But fitting. 

My theme for 2011 is also not one word.  But it's the carrot I want to chase this year...I want to be. 

be

It's a little word, although big on meaning.  But because it's so little I figured I might be able to get away with adding a couple others. 

be present

be intentional

And those will be the focus of my 2011.  I'm not 100% sure what that's going to look like yet.  I do know, though, that it'll involve less time on facebook and in front of the television.  I know it will involve exploring my faith more.  I know it will involve focusing on the moments that pass quickly.  Priorities will be determined and life will be lived.  That's what I know for now. 

In 2011, I will be. 
What about you? 
Will you love, connect, simplify, engage, organize, enjoy, hope, teach, learn, follow, shine, or maybe...be?

I'm Not a Single Mom

I've been known to say that when Scott's not around it's like I'm a single parent.  I mean, let's be real...he's not here, right?  I'm not alone in this comparison either.  I've read about single/married spouses on blogs, heard it directly from family members and even seen it on various news shows. 

I have a few friends that are single parents and they've never called me out saying, "Hey, you're off base," so I figured there was some truth to what I was saying.  And, in fact, there probably is some truth.  After all, like I said, he's not here. 

I've begun to wonder if I haven't been called out because everyone is focused on that one similarity. 

I don't know if my ramblings are making sense...but here's where I'm trying to go with this. 

I am not a single mom.  Even when Scott's not here I have his support. 

See what I'm saying?

Last night a friend posted on facebook that she was leaving her husband after the holiday and asked for advice from single mothers.  That couple got married the week after Scott and I.  It hit me hard.  When I've heard about others getting divorced, even parents, I've been focused on the marriage part of things, and have mourned for that.  Last night, with her plea for help from single mothers, if occurred to me that she doesn't have her husband's support anymore, because she doesn't have her husband.

I have my husband.

When Scott's not here I still imagine what he might add to a conversation, how he might want to handle a situation.  I might not always (in fact, probably not even often) handle things the same way he would, but I am not alone.  I am part of a parenting team, even when half my team is floating in the ocean in a tin can. 

So, I'm not saying that I was wrong in drawing that comparison or that everyone else is either.  I am saying however, that I think our trials as military wives and parents, are different than those of single parents.  Not better or worse, simply different.  There are similarities, yes, but differences also. 

My hope for single parents out there, including my friend who is soon to be one, is that they have support similar to that I have in my teammate, my husband, whether they find it in their parents, their friends, their siblings, occasionally even their ex's.  Everyone needs that.  Even super moms.

How Do You Do It? (My Life as a Military Wife)

Perhaps one of my most frequently heard comments is, "I don't know how you do it.  I couldn't be a military wife/submariner's wife."  So, how do I do it?  I'm not sure I know.  But I usually answer, "It's not for everyone, but I just won't except the alternative."  And that's the truth.

But I will try to put a few notes out there for everyone...just in case something might speak to someone else.  So, here goes...

Let me start by saying that some days Scott and I think of his job like it's any other.  In many families, military and civilian, somebody goes to work and somebody stays home.  The worker bee may be gone long hours, may miss meals, might even travel for work.  And the one who stays home is often left shouldering the roles of both parents, living a single married life for a time.  Sometimes we don't feel all that different.

But those days are not these days. 

For the past month or so Scott's been carrying a ton of stress from work and there's little I can do about it.   Not only that but there's little time together to try to do anything to alleviate his stress anyway.  But what I can do, I do. 

• I feed him.  He's not home for most meals, but the ones he is here for I make sure are things he loves.  I also bake to give him something sweet to lose himself in when he comes through our door. 
• I adjust our schedule to his, when possible.  When he was working nights we schooled at a different time of day so that we were all downstairs, out of ear shot, when he was going to sleep and we weren't busy when he was getting up and free for five minutes.  And now that he's working at least 16 hours a day, I am almost always up when he gets home.  That means I frequently nap when Tyler does, but there's nothing wrong with that.
• I listen.  I don't know everything he's dealing with.  I don't understand everything he tells me.  But I give him room to talk to me.
• I talk to him.  I try to share stories of the kids.  I let him know what we're doing.  I don't pretend that we're not still going about our lives. 
• I touch him.  I give him massages.  I kiss him.  I try to take some of that stress and provide a little relaxation.
• I give him a break.  I don't call and ask when he's going to be home.  I don't get upset that he's not home for dinner, or bed time.  I don't complain that he doesn't have time for us. 
• I love him. 

So, that's how I support Scott.  It also needs to be noted that he supports me in all the same ways, except the cooking and baking...I don't think he even knows where to find everything to whip up anything more than a PB&J.  That's neither here nor there, though.  He loves me and that's clear.  He makes sure it's clear to me.  Just last night he told me how much he appreciates me and all that I do.  I know that but it sure is absolutely wonderful to hear.  He also makes it clear to others, which is such a lovely pat on the back. 

Lastly, we give ourselves permission to feel all the emotions that go with the deployment cycle and we don't blame each other for them.  (Here's another link with a little more detail.)

You might be wondering if it's that simple.  Probably not, but maybe yes.  After all, neither of us have energy for drama, complication, or added stress.  And our default is simple:  just keep kissing.

Friday Fill-In #17

If you follow me via Wifey's Friday fun, you might have noticed I was absent last week.  I have no good reason...well, I might, but I don't remember what it might be!  This week I have plenty of good reasons not to be sitting here typing away...I've been way busy and I'm so behind in everything...but I want to write my post!  So I am.  Simple as that!   ;-)

1.What are some things on your bucket list? (from New Girl on Post)

I haven't actually written a list...maybe I'll start that some day.  But two things I know I want to do are:  I want to see several of a grand places the US has to offer (Grand Canyon, Alaska, Route 66) and I want to take some trips with different groupings of people (my sisters, with each of my kids separately, just Scott).


2.How long have you been a MilSpouse and where have you been stationed so far? (from Raising Roscoe)

We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary in June.  He had 3 1/2 years in before we got married, but during that time I was his friend, then his girlfriend (again!), then his fiance.  He just hit 14 years (wow!) this month.

3.What is a list of songs that sums up your life so far? (from Confessions of a Sailor’s Wife)

Hmmm...
Daddy Sang Bass (Johnny Cash) reminds me of childhood
Under the Bridge (Red Hot Chili Peppers), for a few reasons this song brings me back to middle school
Amazed (Lonestar) still fits as "our song,"  it was our first dance as husband and wife and he still amazes me on a regular and wonderful basis.
Roll With Me (Montgomery Gentry), this song leaves me feeling calm and relaxed...the way I see our marriage most of the time, and our future together.

4.What is your favorite kind of pizza?

I love Hawaiian pizza but am also a fan of sausage, mushroom, and onion...and either is made better with some blue cheese for dipping!
5.What are three good things in your life right now?
 
- The time I am able to spend with my kids.
- The support my husband gives me.
- My still growing faith.
 
So, now you know a little more about me...head on over to Wife of a Sailor and check out what everyone else has to say!  And go ahead and add your own responses to the mix.  Talk about a good time...this is a ton more fun that any housework ever dreamt of being!

How Do You Do It? (Marriage: Time to Talk)

Communication.  I've heard it's the key to a good marriage.  I don't disagree, but I don't think it's that simple, either. 

There are a lot of things I could write about in regards to the talks that could and maybe should go on between spouses.  I'm going to focus on three things, though. 

• little things.
• dreaming together.
• when not to talk

While I ramble about these three point, I may gloss over some things that others find very important.  It's not that I don't, but just chose to shine the light on something else this time around.  If you'd like me to go on about anything further, just leave me a comment of send me an email.  Here goes...

little things
Yes, it's important to talk about where you want to live, whether or not to have kids and how many.  It's a good idea to talk about how you'll handle the merging of family traditions (and this could take years to figure out) and financial realities and goals.  But, for many of us, talking about these things don't necessarily come naturally and can sometimes bring out intense emotional reactions by both partners.  How can these conversations be a little easier?  With practice.

Start by talking about everything and anything.  Bodily functions, the trip to the dentist, grocery shopping, and interpersonal relations at the office.  Learning to talk to each other over the seemingly smaller things can give you clues to how to interact with each other over the bigger topics.  In my opinion, once your spouse has to plunge the toilet for you, there should be nothing that can't be put out there to debate!  So, don't dismiss awkward tidbits with a nervous giggle.  Think about them as practical research about how your spouse might react when you bring up spending the holidays at home instead of with his family.  Right?

dreaming together
I think it's a good idea to talk about your future together.  Note that I said future not futures.  Talk about your collective futures and if you want early retirement and the beach and he wants a second job plowing snow after retirement...there's no time like now to begin working that out!  By doing so you're sharing pieces of your inner self and setting goals to work toward.  I think dreams can be realistic or completely playful, but either way they're important to have and share with your spouse.

You may have heard that it's never to early to talk about retirement, and it's true.  So, talk about it.  Where would you like to retire?  What would you like to do?  When would you like to stop working and how?  You can also fantasize about career goals, hobbies you'd like to enjoy, vacations you'd like to take.  Think about the things you can learn about your spouse this way...and what fun it is to imagine "what if?" 

Dreaming isn't just for the long term either.  If he'd like a new big screen television, I'd consider that a dream!  But not one that's out of reach it you look at it together and work toward it.  It may mean date night is in front of the small screened TV you currently have with dinner you prepared together in the kitchen instead of a night on the town, but there's nothing wrong with that.  In fact, there's sometimes a lot right about it. 

when not to talk
Are there really times not to talk?  Yes there are.  Some say you should never go to bed angry, but I think it's OK to do now and then.  Not everything can be resolved in a short, sweet shouting match followed by make up sex.  Sometimes you and your spouse may reach a point where you're talking in circles and not making any headway.  Or you might realize that resolving this issue is going to take a lot more thinking and talking and, practically, nobody gets the day off tomorrow so you'd better get to sleep.  Or maybe you just don't know what else to say and you're feeling hurt.

Our unwritten rule is that no one sleeps on the couch.  No matter what we go to bed in the same bed, but we may still be angry, hurt, unsure.  I usually try to still reach out a toe to touch his leg.  And I leave the topic unresolved.  I usually try to say a prayer for direction and wisdom in how to proceed and I usually remind myself why I married this man and why he chose me.  Sometimes when we wake up I'm still angry, and that's OK. 

Thus far we've resolved everything we've fought over...in time, with a clear mind. 

So, I know I said I was only going to comment on these three point, but I think there are two other things I'd like to say.  First, I say all of this with my first "How Do You Do It? (Marriage)" post in mind.  The gist of that was that it takes two people who want to be married to create a healthy and happy relationship with one another.  And a big part of that, I think, is wanting the best for the other.  If tense conversations are had with this at the core, some of the drama is extracted right from the get go.  If you know if your heart and head that he would never intentionally say anything to cut you to the core, then you have the ability to hear what he's saying is for the betterment of your relationship, at least as he sees it.  I haven't had to do it in a long time, but when Scott and I were first married I honestly used to say, "I know you didn't mean that like I heard it.  Can you try to say it a different way, please?"  This helped. 

Second, know yourself as best you can.  If you can identify when you're feeling more needy, unusually irritated, tired, stressed by other parts of your life you're a step ahead.  Knowing these things can help you honestly assess your reaction to comments your spouse makes. 

Bottom line...give them the benefit of the doubt.  He loves you.  She loves you.  Talking together can be a great way to express and grow that love.

OK...I promise this is the last thing.  Really.  I swear to you that Scott and I are not fighting.  I just had a horrible time sleeping last night...a lot on my mind I guess.  So, after an hour of trying not to wake him up, I came out and finished this post, made a few to do lists, played some online games and watched TV.  Eventually I made my way to a devotional book I'd been considering trying to find again.  I found it and opened it.  This is what I read:

A marriage may be made in heaven, but the maintenance must be done on earth. 

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:33

Marriages are meant to be complementary - two pulling together as one, not in competition, but in mutual association. (from God's Little Devotional Book, published by Honor Books, Inc.)

I think I read it to share with you.  What do you think?

How Do You Do It? (Marriage: It Takes Two)

At the heart of any marriage are two people.  (I'm speaking for traditional marriage between two people, of course.  I don't know much about polygamous unions.)  Two people who, ideally, want to be married to each other.  During my schooling to become a marriage and family therapist, which I have not become, I learned that often people don't seek therapy together.  Frequently it's the wife who comes in looking for ways to improve her marriage.  As a young therapist I didn't think it would be proper to call up a husband and shake him over the phone, "What are you thinking?  Your wife is here, wanting to imrove your marriage, trying to save your marriage.  Where are you?  It takes two!!!"  Maybe if I were practicing now I would yell that from the hill tops...because it's the truth. 

Marriage takes two. 

Now, as a Navy wife I know that there aren't always two people available.  I also know that the military doesn't hold the deed to the world of being a single spouse.  Yes, there are a huge number of people serving in the Armed Forces who have one or even two members of their marriage deployed, on patrol, away at school...gone in some way for weeks, months, or longer at a time.  Yes, there are verying levels of contact during these times of physical distance from one another.  Some have computer contact, some phone, some letters, some nothing.  This is all true. 

There are many other vocations with similar stories, though.  Truckers are often gone for days or weeks at a time.  Salespeople may work extended hours and may have to travel further from home for training or sales opportunities.  Consultants often travel for their jobs, along with actors, sports players and others.  I'm sure you can think of people you know that have to be away from home, apart from their spouse, here and there.  Even those who work "9-5" jobs often end up working longer hours and missing dinner, at the very least.

So, now that we've established that there are all sorts of valid reasons why spouses may be separated, lets get back to how they can still have great marriages, despite being apart.  After all, it takes how many?  That's right.  Two.  Glad you're paying attention.

What do these two people have to do in order to create a healthy and happy marriage?  Well, they have to want it and work for it.  Some wedding days are grand ceremonies with hundreds of friends and family members.  Some are quick and intimate affairs.  No matter how a marriage begins, it doesn't build itself from there.  And the first step in any project, be it a term paper or a marriage, takes place in our heads.  Inside, we have to think about how we're going to act, what we're going to say, what we want for ourselves and our spouses.  All these goals start within us...and it's helpful, for a cohesive marriage, if husband and wife share these visions with each other.   After all, we can't have a marriage on our own.  (You thought I was going to say, "It takes two," didn't you?)

What are some things we should want internally and with our spouse? 

• the best for the other
• happiness for our spouse
• a sparkle in their eye
• joy in their smile

There are lot of other things you could add to the list, but you may already see a trend...marriage is not about me or even we.  If you're looking out for your spouse, and assuming they're looking out for you, you've got a great start! 

Now, if your spouse is around this is more straight forward...do things for them.  Mow the lawn when he works late.  Take the kids to the playground so she gets an hour to read in quiet.  Help with the dishes.  Get him a drink when you get your own refill.  Ask questions and listen for answers.  Little things can go a long way to show you're caring for your spouse.  Caring is good.

If you're spouse is away, and even if they're not, there's another key to wanting the best for the other...taking care of you. 

Do you feel like I'm talking in circles?  Maybe a little, but here's the deal...If you put yourself first selfishly then you're selfish.  If you take care of yourself, while keeping in mind that a better you makes a better wife, well, then it's not selfish.  Make sense?  And you can't just say it.  "I'm not being selfish...he'll get his own food if I'm not home.  I need to get my nails done because it's good for me."  That's not gonna cut it.  That's like a kid grumbling, "Sorry," to his sister after hitting her because Mom said.  If you don't mean it...it doesn't count.  So, think about it, pray about it, meditate about it, most importantly...talk to your spouse about it.  And take care of yourself, which, in turn, takes care of your spouse.  Nifty, huh?

To recap:
Marriage takes two.
Two people who want to be married.
Two people who want joy and happiness for the other.
Two people willing to take care of themselves in order to take the best care of the other.

And that's just the beginning...but it's a really good beginning! 

How Long is Really Long?

Several months ago I read a comment on facebook where a friend of a friend mentioned that she'd been married "a long, LONG time."  I was curious how long she'd been married, so I asked.  Six years.  That's all.  In my mind that didn't seem like a long, LONG time. 

Scott came home from work a week or so ago and told me how someone asked how long we'd been married.  He told them we'd just celebrated our tenth anniversary.  Their comment?  "Wow.  Good for you guys.  Isn't that a long time for submariners*?"  Really?

I've heard the same thing all of you have, about 50% of marriages ending in divorce.  And I know people who have gotten divorced.  But is marriage really in such trouble that single digit anniversaries should enjoy extra emphasis on their length?  Is being in the military such a strain that a decade deserves a 'wow'?  Maybe.

Don't get me wrong.  I do think being married for six or ten years deserves a little pat on the back and some celebration.  I think every anniversary is special and wonderful.  I love marriage and being married.  On the other hand, though, why can't we celebrate it without making it seem like we've done something noteworthy by staying married.  It's not like we held really still while getting a shot.  We're talking about marriage! 

It should probably also be noted that I have some pretty incredible examples of marriage to look to.

For starters, there are our parents.  My Mom and Dad celebrated their 40th anniversary in April.


Mom and Dad Foote (my parents)

 In December Scott's Mom and Stepdad will have been married for 31 years.

Mom and Dad Nourse (Scott's parents)


And just days ago, we wished Mom and Dad Gebel a happy 30th anniversary.

Mom and Dad Gebel (Scott's parents)

Now, none of their marriages have been "perfect," whatever that means.  But, they've all withstood the test of time.  Obviously there was one marriage that didn't.  Scott's Mom and Dad divorced after a few years, but both have succeeded in their second marriages...beating the statistical odds. 

And our grandparents have really set the bar high.  Grandma and Grandpa Fladie will celebrate 51 years just after ringing in the new year. 

Grandma and Grandpa Fladie (Scott's grandparents-Stepmom's side)

My Dad's parents around 46 years when my grandmother passed away.  This picture is from their 40th anniversary party! 

Grandma and Grandpa Foote (my grandparents-Dad's side)

Grandma and Grandpa Gebel were married for more than 40 years when Grandpa passed. 

Grandma and Grandpa Gebel (Scott's grandparents-Dad's side)

Grandpa Goff passed away somewhere near 50 years of marriage to Grandma Goff.

Grandma and Grandpa Goff (Scott's grandparent's-Mom's side)

And my Mom's parents were married for 65 years when Grandma Kral passed away.

Grandma and Grandpa Kral (my grandparents-mom's side)

Without knowing any of these people, you know that they fought sometimes and other times were completely in sync with each other.  Each of these seven marriages, along with many others I know, are examples of long marriages, marriages that really deserve a wow!

Now, at our wedding we did that little thing where all the married couples danced and the couple who was married the longest was left last on the dance floor and asked to give advice to the newlyweds.  Grandma and Grandpa Kral were the ones who supplied us with some great advice, "Keep on kissing and you'll be married for hundreds of years, like us."

Scott and I

So, in the grand scheme of hundreds of years, how long is long?  And how does one have a marriage that lasts for a long, LONG time?

These are great questions...and I'm no expert (after all ten years is barely a drop in the bucket when there are hundreds of years to go) but in the next few weeks I'm going to look at a few key things I think make marriages good, healthy, happy, and long lasting.  Hopefully you'll tune back in to see if you agree. 

Until then...just keep kissing...



*After considering this comment for a while, it occurs to me that the guy who said it may not have been commenting on marriage as much as originally thought.  On a submarine there are around 160 guys.  Probably a third of them are single and many of the married ones are pretty young, meaning that they haven't likely been married all that long.  I would estimate that only 15 or 20 guys on any one sub even have the potential of being married for double digits.  In that light, perhaps we have been married a long time in the world of submariners.

Friday Fill-In #13

1.How do you spend your deployment money, do you save, pay off bills or enjoy the extra money while it is there to buy the things you do not normally have? (from Troop Petrie)



We don't get a bonus or anything during patrols, but I do try to save money while Scott's gone. And if I'm not saving I'm trying to pay things down whilst he's gone so we'll have "extra" money (in that we won't be paying so much each month for other bills) when he's home again.


2.If you could relive one occasion or moment, what would it be? (from Currently On Land)



Good question...and just one? Hmm...our wedding day/night was a good time...or the birth of any one of the kids (maybe not the laboring, just the new baby in my arms)....but if I had to pick just one moment, I think it would be anyone of the times Scott kisses me unexpectedly. You know the little pecks that are a little more than a peck, but not enough to lead to anything. The ones that make you stop washing dishes for a moment and ask, "What was that for?" The only answer you get is a shrug and a smile. Those moments are worth reliving...not too often, not routinely, but with a casual frequency.


3.What’s the worst job you ever had and if it was so bad why did you take it? (from Faith and Deploying)



I don't know that I've had any jobs I would call "worst," but the hardest I ever had was picking apples out of the orchard. That was exhausting and I was so glad when I got hired someplace else after just a few weeks. I was so tired and hot and sore...a job that's certainly not for the faint of heart!


4.If you could play any character on TV, who would you be? (from Many Waters)



I think it would be totally awesome to be on The Amazing Race. But for a character...I think Angela, on Bones.


5.If you could become the world’s expert in something, what would it be? (from Army of Two)



Right now I'd like to be an expert in parenting. I feel like I'm running in circles and the kids just keep running quicker around me! I was thinking recently that a vacation from them where I could regroup and figure out my parenting strategy would be really nice!





So, there you have it...my two cents. Be sure to read everyone else's answers, too!

A Day in the Life

It's a good life...the one I lead. I have my moments when I wonder how things have gotten to this point. This point being whatever frustrates me at the time. Overall, though, it's a good life.

Let's take today, for example. The boys slept in and Gracie and I got a little one-on-one cuddle time before breakfast. That rarely happens. If Tyler sees anyone near me, he has to get nearer.

After breakfast we got ready to go grocery shopping. While Jace was putting his sneakers on, I had the chance to explain the saying "behind the eight ball" to him. You see, I hadn't gotten the load of laundry in that I wanted to nor had I gotten the dishes cleaned off the counter. So, when we got home I was going to have all of that to do and groceries to put away. I think he got it...and I'm sure I'll hear him use it correctly soon enough.

We got to the store and were discussing which cart would be best for us today. (The commissary, military grocery store, has three different versions.) Jace took a drink of his water and told me he thought he was going to throw up, "Blaaaahhhh." Well, at least he warned me. I let a bagger know so it could get cleaned up and we came back home.

In no particular order I did the following things:

• put in a load of laundry, including Jace's vomit spattered pants
• got Tyler and Gracie a drink of juice
• found Tom and Jerry on TV
• called Scott to ask if he could get a few things for dinner
• called to reschedule an appointment I had today that I was planning on taking the kids to
• emptied the bathroom garbage can into the larger, kitchen one so Jace had a puke bucket
• did a load of dishes by hand

Then I relaxed. I cuddled with my two well children. I played on facebook and chatted with my sister. I read books, watched movies and cartoons, and did more laundry and dishes. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but I really like doing dishes by hand. I have a very small dish drain so it took me several loads to get the neglected counter cleaned up. But it's a thoughtless, restful activity that I enjoy from time to time.

By the end of the day Jace was feeling better, sitting up and reading, and I made a trip to the commissary with Gracie to got groceries for the week...the ones Scott hadn't so lovingly brought home without complaint.

I have a wonderful little family and everyone is (relatively) healthy and happy. What more could a mama ask for on any given day in her life?

Simple Pleasures

Today was a relaxed day for me. If you remember from a few posts ago (here) my back is a little "jacked up." On Thursday, the chiropractor told me she was glad I was feeling better, but not to over do it. I thought I was heeding those words of advice, but today I'm pretty sore...and I didn't even do that much yesterday. The kids and I went to the library and the fabric store. We didn't even go for the walk I was planning because we were running late. But the library can be an errand that requires great physical strength. (Check here if you don't believe me.) And a fabric store with all three monkeys at lunch time requires great mental strength, and herding abilities. Thankfully we all made it out alive.

After those two trips, lunch, and a calm afternoon, I even suggested to Scott that we go to Scenic Beach for a little something to do last night. We walked from the parking lot to the beach and back. We let the kids play on the beach and on the playground for a while. It was a nice night. I know my walk was a bit more hilly than the "mostly flat" walking the chiropractor recommended a few weeks ago, but it was short and I went slowly.

So, I'm not sure if it was some or all of yesterday, but last night when we got back home I was beat and sore. I woke up this morning, still beat and sore. So I declared today a lazy day. And, not only was it lazy and relaxing, but full of simple pleasures.

Jace and I played Battleship. I was so close to beating him! I swear! But, in the end, he won. He asked if I'd play every day with him until he was 19. And, then, after he got back from his honeymoon, if Scott and I would give the game to him and his new wife so they could play every day!

Gracie and I read books and laughed and enjoyed a little America's Next Top Model. I wasn't letting her watch that for a while, but she did well with it today. We'll see if it needs to go back to the Mama only list. I'm hoping she'll do my hair too. She did the other day and I forgot how relaxing that can be!

Tyler cuddled with me, a lot. He laid with me and I read him stories while I iced my back. He cuddled on my lap after nap time. He sat with me and put my arm around him after Gracie made him cry. He's such a lovable little monkey.

They all are, actually. I felt lots of love today. From Scott too. In fact at one point he gave me a kiss and Jace asked where he was going. "No place. I just wanted to give Mama a kiss."

Simple pleasures.

How To Find Happiness

I've found myself reading about happiness (or lack of it) on people's facebook pages lately. I've commented on a few of them, but felt like maybe I should speak a little louder than a facebook status comment...like with a blog post.

I consider myself a joy-filled person. I embrace my life, with whatever challenges may be part of it. And I'm happy. If I had to sum up the secret to my happiness in one word, it would be perspective.

I'm a glass-half full kind of gal. I can't help but think that my positive nature helps secure my happy heart. There's a place in life for realism but there's also a place for idealism. I practice both in moderation, but focus mostly on what's good. And if something doesn't feel or look so great than I try to reframe it in a way that's a little rosier.

For example, on the subject of marriage...you hear people say that they are going to be stuck with the same person for the rest of their lives. If you think about marriage that way, it certainly doesn't appear to be the blessing it truly is. If you, instead, realize how lucky you are to be with only one person from here on out, the prospect of marriage is much more beautiful.

Another hot topic issue is that of being a military spouse and hearing about how hard it must be. Well, yeah...if I only ever think about how exhausting it can be to be both mom and dad and keep the kids spirits up and not think badly of my husband because he doesn't have to deal with the bad dreams, misbehaviour, or puke... Then yes, being a military spouse is tough and will seem like a huge drag that could eventually pull me under. If I instead look at my life as one of opportunity and excitement, then my job as a Navy wife isn't such a hardship. People are always saying, "I don't know how you do it." Well, here's how. I focus on the excitement of seeing my husband again after he's been away. The kids and I travel and write notes to or color pictures for Scott. We enjoy life, when Scott's here with us and when he's not.

So, if you find yourself unhappy or discontent...look at how you look at life. Happiness, in my opinion, is so much more about perspective than circumstances.

If you're interested in reading a little more on the subject, here's a link to another blog I read recently. I really enjoyed her take on finding peace. Hopefully you will too.