If you have kids, and I do, you likely have frustrations with the things they'll eat or not eat, and I do. I have days where I'm fine with them not eating what I cook. That's fine with a hand on the hip, "whatever - go ahead and be hungry, I don't care" attitude. Or fine with my hands in the air, throwing dishes into the sink a little too roughly, grumbling load enough that I know they'll feel bad, "Why would you like anything that's healthy for you? Why do I try? I should just feed you crap. You like crap..." Yup, some days I'm fine with them not eating.
About Me
- Annie
- Like all of you, I'm a number of things to a number of people...Navy wife, homeschooling mama, educated woman and aspiring writer. Read my thoughts on all of it here. Please feel free to leave your thoughts on all of it too!
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Decision Making and A Decision Made
A few weeks ago, I think (I can't keep track these days!), I found out about a job opening that I wasn't looking for. A few months back I found out that the job existed, but someone had it. Daphne has had this position for somewhere around 14 years. But I love the sound of her job and told Scott it might be something I could do someday. And then Daphne called me while I was shopping at Target and asked me if I knew she was retiring. I did know that, but I have a few unpaid jobs already and hadn't considered applying for her job.
But she called me. She wanted me to know that my degree and personality would be ideal for this position, her position. I told her I'd think about it, seriously, and went back to shopping.
But she called me. She wanted me to know that my degree and personality would be ideal for this position, her position. I told her I'd think about it, seriously, and went back to shopping.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Mixing Hormones, Emotions, and Babies
I put myself out there in this blog a lot, I think. I risk judgment and ridicule because I think what I have to say might reach someone who needs to hear it. Yes, many of my posts are entertaining (I hope) or simply reviews of our homeschooling lives or silly things the kids do and say. But, on occasion, I write something that could be a bit controversial. Today might be one of those days.
I've thought about this post for a long time. It's a topic that I've mulled over in my mind for seven and a half years now. I wasn't sure how to write about it, though. I'm still not...but I'm going to give it a try. Recently there was a 4-month-old taken to the hospital and found to have been repeatedly abused by his mother (story here). This is one of those things that is easy to feel badly about, even get angry about, but to also let go of easily because it won't happen to you or me, right?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Taboos
What don't you talk about?
Everyone has things that are uncomfortable to have a conversation about. Sex, politics, and religion seem to be big ticket items that we shouldn't discuss in polite company, right?
Everyone has things that are uncomfortable to have a conversation about. Sex, politics, and religion seem to be big ticket items that we shouldn't discuss in polite company, right?
WHAT?
Perhaps we haven't properly met. I don't do taboos. Don't get me wrong, I don't air all my laundry everywhere. But I do think everything can be talked about, and most of it probably should be discussed in polite company. After all, if you can't talk about your opinions and values nicely, you probably don't need to be talking about them at all. I know, I know...people are often passionate about these topics, and that's fine. But you can be passionate and respectful. They're not mutually exclusive.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Looking Up...Looking Forward
So, I've written a little bit on here about the difficulties of being a military spouse to a submariner. I've told about the effects of mixing the Emotional Cycle of Deployment with PMS. One post I just talked about how I do it, and should probably add that there are many other paths out there. There are lots of ways to be a spouse, with or without the military mixed in to add stress. And there was the post where I pointed out that I'm not single.
I think all those posts have merit, but I also would like to say...take anything I say with a grain of salt. I'm not perfect. I have days, weeks, possibly months where I'm anything but perfect. The last few weeks probably fall into that category more than any other.
With all my positive words and encouragement of others I was really focused on one day at a time. We've been busy, I've been tired and irritable and sad. I kept telling myself that one day at a time was fine, just life as it was going to be for now. And we'd get through.
Then a few different things happened over the course of a week or two. First of all, I spent a night with some girlfriends. We all have kids around the same age and after we tucked them all in we had plenty of time for wonderful chit chat. It was great. I felt refreshed, better but not "my old self." I'm a planner. I'm always looking forward. I wasn't there yet.
Then I had some blood work done and found out my vitamin D levels were low. Not terribly low, but low enough to take a supplement. Talking to my personal phone-a-doc friend I found out that one possible side effect of low vitamin D can be mild depression.
When Scott first left I had trouble falling asleep, which eventually turned into just not even trying to get to sleep until much later than I probably should have been staying up.
So, to sum it up...not enough sleep, low vitamin D, just a touch of stress...I don't know if I was actually depressed but I was definitely low. And I didn't even realize it, just thought it was life. One day at a time.
Then Sunday I ran into a friend I haven't seen or talked to in over three years. We were at the grocery store and the kids were crazy. She and I chatted a while and she even suggested talking to a counselor if I needed to. How had I not thought of that? If you don't already know, I have a Master's degree as a therapist. Going for help when I need it isn't a scary thought for me, like it is for some. It just never crossed my mind. I didn't even think about what I was going through being anything out of the ordinary for someone in my position. And maybe it isn't. But it's no way to live.
The last two nights I've gone to bed earlier than I have been, still not my regular time, but an improvement. I've gotten outside with the kids. I haven't had any caffeine, other than a little chai (stimulates the mind not the nerves), no sugar that doesn't occur naturally. I feel so much better. Already I'm thinking of what we're doing later this week, next month, this spring. I'm me!
I'm me.
So, I don't think I need to see a therapist right now, but for me just having an enemy (depression) gave me a problem to tackle and helped me make the changes I've known needed changing for weeks.
I wasn't sure how to put this all out there for you all. I wanted to share because I don't want anyone thinking I'm some super woman. I love hearing that I'm transparent on here...I want to be. I want my vulnerability to speak to readers and say that their imperfections are perfectly acceptable. We all have down days, weeks, maybe months...but there are ways to turn it around. Just don't give up...keep looking for that way out, listen when it comes calling, and ask for help when you need it. It's there.
I think all those posts have merit, but I also would like to say...take anything I say with a grain of salt. I'm not perfect. I have days, weeks, possibly months where I'm anything but perfect. The last few weeks probably fall into that category more than any other.
With all my positive words and encouragement of others I was really focused on one day at a time. We've been busy, I've been tired and irritable and sad. I kept telling myself that one day at a time was fine, just life as it was going to be for now. And we'd get through.
Then a few different things happened over the course of a week or two. First of all, I spent a night with some girlfriends. We all have kids around the same age and after we tucked them all in we had plenty of time for wonderful chit chat. It was great. I felt refreshed, better but not "my old self." I'm a planner. I'm always looking forward. I wasn't there yet.
Then I had some blood work done and found out my vitamin D levels were low. Not terribly low, but low enough to take a supplement. Talking to my personal phone-a-doc friend I found out that one possible side effect of low vitamin D can be mild depression.
When Scott first left I had trouble falling asleep, which eventually turned into just not even trying to get to sleep until much later than I probably should have been staying up.
So, to sum it up...not enough sleep, low vitamin D, just a touch of stress...I don't know if I was actually depressed but I was definitely low. And I didn't even realize it, just thought it was life. One day at a time.
Then Sunday I ran into a friend I haven't seen or talked to in over three years. We were at the grocery store and the kids were crazy. She and I chatted a while and she even suggested talking to a counselor if I needed to. How had I not thought of that? If you don't already know, I have a Master's degree as a therapist. Going for help when I need it isn't a scary thought for me, like it is for some. It just never crossed my mind. I didn't even think about what I was going through being anything out of the ordinary for someone in my position. And maybe it isn't. But it's no way to live.
The last two nights I've gone to bed earlier than I have been, still not my regular time, but an improvement. I've gotten outside with the kids. I haven't had any caffeine, other than a little chai (stimulates the mind not the nerves), no sugar that doesn't occur naturally. I feel so much better. Already I'm thinking of what we're doing later this week, next month, this spring. I'm me!
I'm me.
So, I don't think I need to see a therapist right now, but for me just having an enemy (depression) gave me a problem to tackle and helped me make the changes I've known needed changing for weeks.
I wasn't sure how to put this all out there for you all. I wanted to share because I don't want anyone thinking I'm some super woman. I love hearing that I'm transparent on here...I want to be. I want my vulnerability to speak to readers and say that their imperfections are perfectly acceptable. We all have down days, weeks, maybe months...but there are ways to turn it around. Just don't give up...keep looking for that way out, listen when it comes calling, and ask for help when you need it. It's there.
Monday, January 10, 2011
be
"Be still and know that I am God." ~Psalm 46:10
I don't think I realized that this psalm was probably in my heart when I picked my theme word for 2011.
A little back story...I went to college at St. Bonaventure University. Associated with the school was Mt. Irenaeus, a mountain retreat run by some friars and open to everyone for prayer, reflection, peace, and always a good meal! Fr. Dan Riley is one of the friars who not only helps keep the Mountain be everything it can be, but he also is involved with several programs on campus. He was a mentor of mine in many ways and even married Scott and I. And he has been known to quote this psalm and break it down.
Be still and know that I am God
Be still and know that I am
Be still and know
Be still
Be
So, there you have it...God's speaking to me using fond memories and new technology. He sure knows how to get to me, doesn't He? Especially when I'm not even looking for it.
So, I want to focus on being this coming year, including being more present and intentional in several aspects of my life...like my writing, my children, my faith. So, how'm I doing?
Well, as you can see...I'm writing. I'm not sure "how'm" is really great writing, but it's what you're going to get these days! Seriously, though, I haven't done anything to be more present and intentional in my writing. To meet that goal I like to begin writing for publication and submitting. Without those two steps, I'm never going to get published. So, I'll get a move on...some time. Not yet. And I'm good with that. I can only handle so much at once and I'm handling a few other things at the moment. I'll be more in my writing before the end of the year. Promise.
My children...well, I think I'm doing pretty well there. We've sat and watched movies together, without my being on the computer. We've turned off the television and played with toys or read books without distraction. We've gone a a few family walks. Things are improving there, not huge differences, but subtle ones that mean something to me.
My faith is still a work in progress, as faith often is. I don't know what religion I identify most with. I actually took an online quiz to see where my beliefs placed me. I know...pretty sad, right? But the thing is that I kind of feel like I've tried to squeeze into the rules of Catholicism and it hasn't fit right for a long time. So I thought I'd go from the other direction. The top three answers I got were Protestant, Unitarian Universalist, and Neo-Pagan. I haven't done much with that yet...but it's a start.
I do have to say, though, that today's realization that Fr. Dan's breakdown of psalm 46:10 tells me something. I'm not sure what, yet, other than He's listening. He's there. He hasn't walked from me and knows I haven't walked from Him. I also think, maybe, God's telling me it's perfectly acceptable to only tackle what I can handle. I might just be reading into things since this is one of those weeks where I'll be taking one day at a time...looking too far ahead is stressing me a bit. So, in terms of my faith...I think it's OK with God if I'm simply at be and not sure what my path is to "Be still and know that I am God."
I'll work my way there though, in time.
Be
Be still
Be still and know
Be still and know that I am
Be still and know that I am God
Thursday, December 30, 2010
One Word
Have you thought about one word to describe yourself? I've been asked in interviews to use one or two words to list my best and worst qualities. I've played a few version of the ice breaker when I needed to come up with one word to tell about me. Most recently though, I read a couple blog posts that got be thinking about one word that can serve as my motivation throughout the upcoming year.
Shauna and Courtney both talk about having a concept to guide us through the year rather than setting resolutions. I haven't set New Year's resolutions in years. Scott and I are talkers and planners. We're constantly setting goals, discussing progress, and adapting. So, I don't see the need to set certain goals at certain times. Reading their posts, though, got me thinking about a motto for my year.
In 2010 Courtney's theme word was connecting. Under that umbrella she worked on connecting with God, family and her blog followers too! She's chosen simplify for 2011. I think that's a beautiful word and a wonderful theme. I think she's going to have a great year creating space to focus on the connections she's worked on this year. I was tempted to use that concept as my own, but I think I'm going to do something a little different. After all, I think I'm in the process of complicating my life rather than simplifying it...maybe that'll be next year!
Shauna's new year will revolve around love, which I think is completely appropriate. I don't know Shauna personally, but I feel like her posts are ones that ooze goodness and caring. Whenever I read something on her blog I feel inspired. I look forward to reading more about her journey this coming year to love and "doing what I can do where I can do it with all my heart and being."
So, I started by reading these two posts. I put some consideration into it. And I cheated...I've always bent the rules a little with these one word games. It started way back in 4H camp when I had to come up with an adjective that started with the first letter of my name to introduce myself with. I was at the end of the circle and wasn't sure what I was going to say until it got to me and I came up with "All of the above Annie." I know, not one word at all. But fitting.
My theme for 2011 is also not one word. But it's the carrot I want to chase this year...I want to be.
It's a little word, although big on meaning. But because it's so little I figured I might be able to get away with adding a couple others.
Shauna and Courtney both talk about having a concept to guide us through the year rather than setting resolutions. I haven't set New Year's resolutions in years. Scott and I are talkers and planners. We're constantly setting goals, discussing progress, and adapting. So, I don't see the need to set certain goals at certain times. Reading their posts, though, got me thinking about a motto for my year.
In 2010 Courtney's theme word was connecting. Under that umbrella she worked on connecting with God, family and her blog followers too! She's chosen simplify for 2011. I think that's a beautiful word and a wonderful theme. I think she's going to have a great year creating space to focus on the connections she's worked on this year. I was tempted to use that concept as my own, but I think I'm going to do something a little different. After all, I think I'm in the process of complicating my life rather than simplifying it...maybe that'll be next year!
Shauna's new year will revolve around love, which I think is completely appropriate. I don't know Shauna personally, but I feel like her posts are ones that ooze goodness and caring. Whenever I read something on her blog I feel inspired. I look forward to reading more about her journey this coming year to love and "doing what I can do where I can do it with all my heart and being."
So, I started by reading these two posts. I put some consideration into it. And I cheated...I've always bent the rules a little with these one word games. It started way back in 4H camp when I had to come up with an adjective that started with the first letter of my name to introduce myself with. I was at the end of the circle and wasn't sure what I was going to say until it got to me and I came up with "All of the above Annie." I know, not one word at all. But fitting.
My theme for 2011 is also not one word. But it's the carrot I want to chase this year...I want to be.
be
It's a little word, although big on meaning. But because it's so little I figured I might be able to get away with adding a couple others.
be present
be intentional
And those will be the focus of my 2011. I'm not 100% sure what that's going to look like yet. I do know, though, that it'll involve less time on facebook and in front of the television. I know it will involve exploring my faith more. I know it will involve focusing on the moments that pass quickly. Priorities will be determined and life will be lived. That's what I know for now.
In 2011, I will be.
What about you?
Will you love, connect, simplify, engage, organize, enjoy, hope, teach, learn, follow, shine, or maybe...be?
What about you?
Will you love, connect, simplify, engage, organize, enjoy, hope, teach, learn, follow, shine, or maybe...be?
Monday, October 18, 2010
Day Book (October 18th)
FOR TODAY
Outside my window...it's chilly but sunny.
I am thinking...about getting a drink soon. I'm a little thirsty.
I am thankful for...my supportive, realistic, down-to-earth, tell it like it is husband!
From the learning rooms...not much has been learned lately. Thankfully, as Jace noted earlier, "Wow! We can learn anywhere, even in the van."
From the kitchen...leftovers.
I am wearing...black sweatpants, black long sleeved tee, and a purple vest.
I am creating...Halloween costumes for Scott and I.
I am going...to remain calm and consistent with my kids this week.
I am reading...God's Little Devotional Book, Unconditional Parenting (Alfie Kohn), Seekers: The Quest Begins (Erin Hunter).
I am hoping...to get answers to burning questions in the near future.
I am hearing...the kids downstairs playing with play-dough and The Next Iron Chef on the television.
Around the house...things aren't perfectly tidy, but they're good.
One of my favorite things...taking the time to chat with friends or family - on line, on the phone, or in person.
A few plans for the rest of the week: Tomorrow we have karate for Jace. Hopefully on Wednesday we'll get to go to the library. FRG meeting Thursday night and command Halloween party Friday. Saturday morning we're caravaning up Mt. St. Helens with a bunch of diesels. And throughout it all, I need to finish those costumes and the kids have to get some actual schooling done!
Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...
If you're interested in spending a few minutes relaxing with these questions...go ahead! Start at the simple woman's daybook and you'll find easy enough directions. Enjoy!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Friday Fill-In #17
1.What are some things on your bucket list? (from New Girl on Post)
I haven't actually written a list...maybe I'll start that some day. But two things I know I want to do are: I want to see several of a grand places the US has to offer (Grand Canyon, Alaska, Route 66) and I want to take some trips with different groupings of people (my sisters, with each of my kids separately, just Scott).
2.How long have you been a MilSpouse and where have you been stationed so far? (from Raising Roscoe)
We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary in June. He had 3 1/2 years in before we got married, but during that time I was his friend, then his girlfriend (again!), then his fiance. He just hit 14 years (wow!) this month.
3.What is a list of songs that sums up your life so far? (from Confessions of a Sailor’s Wife)
Hmmm...
Daddy Sang Bass (Johnny Cash) reminds me of childhood
Under the Bridge (Red Hot Chili Peppers), for a few reasons this song brings me back to middle school
Amazed (Lonestar) still fits as "our song," it was our first dance as husband and wife and he still amazes me on a regular and wonderful basis.
Roll With Me (Montgomery Gentry), this song leaves me feeling calm and relaxed...the way I see our marriage most of the time, and our future together.
4.What is your favorite kind of pizza?
I love Hawaiian pizza but am also a fan of sausage, mushroom, and onion...and either is made better with some blue cheese for dipping!
5.What are three good things in your life right now?
- The time I am able to spend with my kids.
- The support my husband gives me.
- My still growing faith.
So, now you know a little more about me...head on over to Wife of a Sailor and check out what everyone else has to say! And go ahead and add your own responses to the mix. Talk about a good time...this is a ton more fun that any housework ever dreamt of being!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
How Do You Do It? (Prayer)
I once asked a friend if he prayed. His answer, "I don't know." I laughed. That probably wasn't the proper response, but I asked how you can not know if you pray or not. When we talked about it more, I found out he wasn't sure because he doesn't drop to his knees and press his hands together. So he wasn't sure if his thoughts to God counted as prayer.
In a group I was part of in the past, many people didn't like to pray out loud. They didn't think they were good at it. Part of me understood, but part of me also wondered, "Can you really be bad at prayer?"
And, recently, I've found myself pondering what we pray for. Should we be praying for our hopes, wants, goals? When should we pray? Why? How?
So, I decided to write about it here. Again, let me say I'm not an expert. But I believe in the power of focusing energies and thinking positively...in the power of prayer. And these are my thoughts on prayer...
To begin with, I believe that God is everywhere. I believe the wind blowing the leaves in front of me is God's little hello to me. I believe a phone call from a friend or a hug from the kids when I need it is a helping hand. I believe His energy, His spirit is surrounding me and supporting even when I'm not paying attention. So, my prayers tend to be less formal and more like on-going chats.
I don't think praying requires a specific format. It's a conversation between me and God. It can happen any place, any time. Sometimes that may mean praying with a bible quote in front of my or with music in the background. Other times that may mean passing thoughts while I dash here and there, ushering the kids around.
I do think that there can be lackluster prayers and more passionate, focused prayers...like anything in life. Sometimes I say "I love you" without thinking about it. Other times, those three words can pack a punch, having been really formed from strong emotion more than habit.
I pray for many reasons, too. Perhaps my most frequent prayers are for the health of those involved whenever I hear sirens. I like to clarify that "health" may mean something different to God right then, than it traditionally means to me. I don't pray that part every time...I figure God's heard it enough from me, He knows what I mean! I also pray for my friends and family, that God's watching over them even if they're not looking for Him. And I pray for myself.
Recently I've been focusing on saying prayers for God's will, not mine. This occurred to me because I found myself in a situation that I wasn't sure what I wanted the outcome to be. I was praying about that...for some clarity...when I realized it doesn't matter so much what I want to have happen. It's not in my hands.
Sometimes I pray using words that others have written. Devotionals, the Our Father, creeds, are all pre-written tools that can be helpful to use, especially when we're stuck or not feeling "into it" at the time. Often I pray using my words. I like to say, "Hi!" to God. I like to thank him for experiences, reminders, little joys. Those greetings are how many of my prayers start.
And that, my friends, are my raw thoughts on prayer. I'd love to hear how/what/why/when you pray???
In a group I was part of in the past, many people didn't like to pray out loud. They didn't think they were good at it. Part of me understood, but part of me also wondered, "Can you really be bad at prayer?"
And, recently, I've found myself pondering what we pray for. Should we be praying for our hopes, wants, goals? When should we pray? Why? How?
So, I decided to write about it here. Again, let me say I'm not an expert. But I believe in the power of focusing energies and thinking positively...in the power of prayer. And these are my thoughts on prayer...
To begin with, I believe that God is everywhere. I believe the wind blowing the leaves in front of me is God's little hello to me. I believe a phone call from a friend or a hug from the kids when I need it is a helping hand. I believe His energy, His spirit is surrounding me and supporting even when I'm not paying attention. So, my prayers tend to be less formal and more like on-going chats.
I don't think praying requires a specific format. It's a conversation between me and God. It can happen any place, any time. Sometimes that may mean praying with a bible quote in front of my or with music in the background. Other times that may mean passing thoughts while I dash here and there, ushering the kids around.
I do think that there can be lackluster prayers and more passionate, focused prayers...like anything in life. Sometimes I say "I love you" without thinking about it. Other times, those three words can pack a punch, having been really formed from strong emotion more than habit.
I pray for many reasons, too. Perhaps my most frequent prayers are for the health of those involved whenever I hear sirens. I like to clarify that "health" may mean something different to God right then, than it traditionally means to me. I don't pray that part every time...I figure God's heard it enough from me, He knows what I mean! I also pray for my friends and family, that God's watching over them even if they're not looking for Him. And I pray for myself.
Recently I've been focusing on saying prayers for God's will, not mine. This occurred to me because I found myself in a situation that I wasn't sure what I wanted the outcome to be. I was praying about that...for some clarity...when I realized it doesn't matter so much what I want to have happen. It's not in my hands.
Sometimes I pray using words that others have written. Devotionals, the Our Father, creeds, are all pre-written tools that can be helpful to use, especially when we're stuck or not feeling "into it" at the time. Often I pray using my words. I like to say, "Hi!" to God. I like to thank him for experiences, reminders, little joys. Those greetings are how many of my prayers start.
And that, my friends, are my raw thoughts on prayer. I'd love to hear how/what/why/when you pray???
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Day Book (October 7th)
Outside my window...The wind is picking up after a beautiful fall morning in the 60's. The clouds are coming in and we'll likely get some rain in a while.
I am thinking...about homeschooling, marriage, parenting...the things that are on my mind every day.
I am thankful for...the quiet reassurance of my faith, good friends, and kids playing nicely together right now.
From the learning rooms...we're about to do some math and then make a messy squirrel feast to hang outside later.
From the kitchen...the dishes await.
I am wearing...a teal turtle neck and jeans. My feet are bare and my hair is braided. And I actually have jewelry on today, a necklace Gracie made me and simple pearl studs.
I am creating...a warm and calm place for my family and friends, and ample opportunities to listen to every one's stories.
I am going...slowly today.
I am reading...God's Little Devotional Book, Paganism: An Introduction to Earth-Centered Religions, and any number of blogs on homeschooling.
I am hoping...to continue the day in the same vein it's been in, quiet instruction by me...children ready to listen, no arguing and plenty of fun.
I am hearing...my wooden wind chimes outside, Jace and Gracie playing in the bedroom, traffic on the highway.
Around the house...there are many little things to be done.
One of my favorite things...is being connected.
A few plans for the rest of the week: Tomorrow we're headed to the library and to do a little shopping to finish a package for Uncle Nick (my brother-in-law). Then we have friends coming tomorrow night and Saturday my cousin and his wife will be visiting for lunch.
Here is picture for thought I am sharing...
Living a simple life is something that could be incredibly enriching. I enjoyed this exercise. If you'd like to, you can take part in it as well: Check out the simple woman's daybook and see what other women have to say this fall.
How Do You Do It? (Marriage: Time to Talk)
Communication. I've heard it's the key to a good marriage. I don't disagree, but I don't think it's that simple, either.
There are a lot of things I could write about in regards to the talks that could and maybe should go on between spouses. I'm going to focus on three things, though.
little things
Yes, it's important to talk about where you want to live, whether or not to have kids and how many. It's a good idea to talk about how you'll handle the merging of family traditions (and this could take years to figure out) and financial realities and goals. But, for many of us, talking about these things don't necessarily come naturally and can sometimes bring out intense emotional reactions by both partners. How can these conversations be a little easier? With practice.
Start by talking about everything and anything. Bodily functions, the trip to the dentist, grocery shopping, and interpersonal relations at the office. Learning to talk to each other over the seemingly smaller things can give you clues to how to interact with each other over the bigger topics. In my opinion, once your spouse has to plunge the toilet for you, there should be nothing that can't be put out there to debate! So, don't dismiss awkward tidbits with a nervous giggle. Think about them as practical research about how your spouse might react when you bring up spending the holidays at home instead of with his family. Right?
dreaming together
I think it's a good idea to talk about your future together. Note that I said future not futures. Talk about your collective futures and if you want early retirement and the beach and he wants a second job plowing snow after retirement...there's no time like now to begin working that out! By doing so you're sharing pieces of your inner self and setting goals to work toward. I think dreams can be realistic or completely playful, but either way they're important to have and share with your spouse.
You may have heard that it's never to early to talk about retirement, and it's true. So, talk about it. Where would you like to retire? What would you like to do? When would you like to stop working and how? You can also fantasize about career goals, hobbies you'd like to enjoy, vacations you'd like to take. Think about the things you can learn about your spouse this way...and what fun it is to imagine "what if?"
Dreaming isn't just for the long term either. If he'd like a new big screen television, I'd consider that a dream! But not one that's out of reach it you look at it together and work toward it. It may mean date night is in front of the small screened TV you currently have with dinner you prepared together in the kitchen instead of a night on the town, but there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there's sometimes a lot right about it.
when not to talk
Are there really times not to talk? Yes there are. Some say you should never go to bed angry, but I think it's OK to do now and then. Not everything can be resolved in a short, sweet shouting match followed by make up sex. Sometimes you and your spouse may reach a point where you're talking in circles and not making any headway. Or you might realize that resolving this issue is going to take a lot more thinking and talking and, practically, nobody gets the day off tomorrow so you'd better get to sleep. Or maybe you just don't know what else to say and you're feeling hurt.
Our unwritten rule is that no one sleeps on the couch. No matter what we go to bed in the same bed, but we may still be angry, hurt, unsure. I usually try to still reach out a toe to touch his leg. And I leave the topic unresolved. I usually try to say a prayer for direction and wisdom in how to proceed and I usually remind myself why I married this man and why he chose me. Sometimes when we wake up I'm still angry, and that's OK.
Thus far we've resolved everything we've fought over...in time, with a clear mind.
So, I know I said I was only going to comment on these three point, but I think there are two other things I'd like to say. First, I say all of this with my first "How Do You Do It? (Marriage)" post in mind. The gist of that was that it takes two people who want to be married to create a healthy and happy relationship with one another. And a big part of that, I think, is wanting the best for the other. If tense conversations are had with this at the core, some of the drama is extracted right from the get go. If you know if your heart and head that he would never intentionally say anything to cut you to the core, then you have the ability to hear what he's saying is for the betterment of your relationship, at least as he sees it. I haven't had to do it in a long time, but when Scott and I were first married I honestly used to say, "I know you didn't mean that like I heard it. Can you try to say it a different way, please?" This helped.
Second, know yourself as best you can. If you can identify when you're feeling more needy, unusually irritated, tired, stressed by other parts of your life you're a step ahead. Knowing these things can help you honestly assess your reaction to comments your spouse makes.
Bottom line...give them the benefit of the doubt. He loves you. She loves you. Talking together can be a great way to express and grow that love.
OK...I promise this is the last thing. Really. I swear to you that Scott and I are not fighting. I just had a horrible time sleeping last night...a lot on my mind I guess. So, after an hour of trying not to wake him up, I came out and finished this post, made a few to do lists, played some online games and watched TV. Eventually I made my way to a devotional book I'd been considering trying to find again. I found it and opened it. This is what I read:
There are a lot of things I could write about in regards to the talks that could and maybe should go on between spouses. I'm going to focus on three things, though.
- little things.
- dreaming together.
- when not to talk
little things
Yes, it's important to talk about where you want to live, whether or not to have kids and how many. It's a good idea to talk about how you'll handle the merging of family traditions (and this could take years to figure out) and financial realities and goals. But, for many of us, talking about these things don't necessarily come naturally and can sometimes bring out intense emotional reactions by both partners. How can these conversations be a little easier? With practice.
Start by talking about everything and anything. Bodily functions, the trip to the dentist, grocery shopping, and interpersonal relations at the office. Learning to talk to each other over the seemingly smaller things can give you clues to how to interact with each other over the bigger topics. In my opinion, once your spouse has to plunge the toilet for you, there should be nothing that can't be put out there to debate! So, don't dismiss awkward tidbits with a nervous giggle. Think about them as practical research about how your spouse might react when you bring up spending the holidays at home instead of with his family. Right?
dreaming together
I think it's a good idea to talk about your future together. Note that I said future not futures. Talk about your collective futures and if you want early retirement and the beach and he wants a second job plowing snow after retirement...there's no time like now to begin working that out! By doing so you're sharing pieces of your inner self and setting goals to work toward. I think dreams can be realistic or completely playful, but either way they're important to have and share with your spouse.
You may have heard that it's never to early to talk about retirement, and it's true. So, talk about it. Where would you like to retire? What would you like to do? When would you like to stop working and how? You can also fantasize about career goals, hobbies you'd like to enjoy, vacations you'd like to take. Think about the things you can learn about your spouse this way...and what fun it is to imagine "what if?"
Dreaming isn't just for the long term either. If he'd like a new big screen television, I'd consider that a dream! But not one that's out of reach it you look at it together and work toward it. It may mean date night is in front of the small screened TV you currently have with dinner you prepared together in the kitchen instead of a night on the town, but there's nothing wrong with that. In fact, there's sometimes a lot right about it.
when not to talk
Are there really times not to talk? Yes there are. Some say you should never go to bed angry, but I think it's OK to do now and then. Not everything can be resolved in a short, sweet shouting match followed by make up sex. Sometimes you and your spouse may reach a point where you're talking in circles and not making any headway. Or you might realize that resolving this issue is going to take a lot more thinking and talking and, practically, nobody gets the day off tomorrow so you'd better get to sleep. Or maybe you just don't know what else to say and you're feeling hurt.
Our unwritten rule is that no one sleeps on the couch. No matter what we go to bed in the same bed, but we may still be angry, hurt, unsure. I usually try to still reach out a toe to touch his leg. And I leave the topic unresolved. I usually try to say a prayer for direction and wisdom in how to proceed and I usually remind myself why I married this man and why he chose me. Sometimes when we wake up I'm still angry, and that's OK.
Thus far we've resolved everything we've fought over...in time, with a clear mind.
So, I know I said I was only going to comment on these three point, but I think there are two other things I'd like to say. First, I say all of this with my first "How Do You Do It? (Marriage)" post in mind. The gist of that was that it takes two people who want to be married to create a healthy and happy relationship with one another. And a big part of that, I think, is wanting the best for the other. If tense conversations are had with this at the core, some of the drama is extracted right from the get go. If you know if your heart and head that he would never intentionally say anything to cut you to the core, then you have the ability to hear what he's saying is for the betterment of your relationship, at least as he sees it. I haven't had to do it in a long time, but when Scott and I were first married I honestly used to say, "I know you didn't mean that like I heard it. Can you try to say it a different way, please?" This helped.
Second, know yourself as best you can. If you can identify when you're feeling more needy, unusually irritated, tired, stressed by other parts of your life you're a step ahead. Knowing these things can help you honestly assess your reaction to comments your spouse makes.
Bottom line...give them the benefit of the doubt. He loves you. She loves you. Talking together can be a great way to express and grow that love.
OK...I promise this is the last thing. Really. I swear to you that Scott and I are not fighting. I just had a horrible time sleeping last night...a lot on my mind I guess. So, after an hour of trying not to wake him up, I came out and finished this post, made a few to do lists, played some online games and watched TV. Eventually I made my way to a devotional book I'd been considering trying to find again. I found it and opened it. This is what I read:
A marriage may be made in heaven, but the maintenance must be done on earth.
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband. Ephesians 5:33
Marriages are meant to be complementary - two pulling together as one, not in competition, but in mutual association. (from God's Little Devotional Book, published by Honor Books, Inc.)I think I read it to share with you. What do you think?
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
A Man With A Plan
I was talking with my mom yesterday and learned about a scary blessing that happened recently with someone I used to go to church with. Long story, short...there is a couple who's son and his family live just down the road in a small town. The granddaughter asked if she could spend the night with Grandma one night. Her parents not only agreed, but decided that they'd stay the night too. That night their furnace exploded and their house, with all of their belongings, burnt.
There's no denying, at least in my mind, that God works in ways only He understands.
Although I haven't been through anything as frightening as my home blowing up, I have experienced God's hand in my life. One of the biggest ways He has moved me is the past three years.
Very shortly after I moved into our current home I felt like maybe we'd made a mistake. There were a few things I had on my list of wants, things way up at the top, that I didn't get in this home. And I started wondering if we should have bought a place "way out here," as everyone here says. Then I drove 2 hours a day for an entire school year to take Jace to preschool. I really questioned our decision then.
Rather than getting frustrated or down about my long drive to being a stay at home mom I consoled myself by remembering that God has a plan, and living in this not-so-thriving-whatever-the-opposite-of-metropolis-is city must be somehow part of His plan.
I think I figured it out, at least part of it...I'm sure there's more. See, at the very beginning of that first year here, at Jace's preschool, I met Kelly, who's son was in Jace's class. She pulled him out to homeschool him shortly after we met. But I'm guess that enrolling him in that school to begin with was also part of God's plan. We needed to meet somehow, right? Kelly happened to organize a mom's group. I started going and met some incredible women.
These incredible mama's supported me through a stressful pregnancy and exhausting first year with three children. We talked about faith, parenting, school, kids, education...life. We had play dates and ladies' nights. I think I only made one ladies' night, but the offer was there! I learned a lot and grew. Growing is always a goal of mine...so I'd call it a success!
At the end of the day, or of the past three years, I think the bigger picture is that I'm going to homeschool next year. I think maybe all of this was to bring me to a place where I'm willing to, and realize I'm able to, homeschool the kids. I wouldn't have gotten to this place without all I've learned through my mama's group. I think God's plan is working.
So, whether big or small...take notice of how God is at work in your life. And don't forget to give him a smile and a wink when you can finally way, "Oooohhhh. That's why we moved to Georgia and fought with gnats for three years. OK, then. But couldn't you have led me to this realization without three months of 3-digit temps? Yeah, you're probably right...I probably wouldn't have have picked up on more subtle hints." God likes smiles and winks.
;-)
:-)
There's no denying, at least in my mind, that God works in ways only He understands.
Although I haven't been through anything as frightening as my home blowing up, I have experienced God's hand in my life. One of the biggest ways He has moved me is the past three years.
Very shortly after I moved into our current home I felt like maybe we'd made a mistake. There were a few things I had on my list of wants, things way up at the top, that I didn't get in this home. And I started wondering if we should have bought a place "way out here," as everyone here says. Then I drove 2 hours a day for an entire school year to take Jace to preschool. I really questioned our decision then.
Rather than getting frustrated or down about my long drive to being a stay at home mom I consoled myself by remembering that God has a plan, and living in this not-so-thriving-whatever-the-opposite-of-metropolis-is city must be somehow part of His plan.
I think I figured it out, at least part of it...I'm sure there's more. See, at the very beginning of that first year here, at Jace's preschool, I met Kelly, who's son was in Jace's class. She pulled him out to homeschool him shortly after we met. But I'm guess that enrolling him in that school to begin with was also part of God's plan. We needed to meet somehow, right? Kelly happened to organize a mom's group. I started going and met some incredible women.
These incredible mama's supported me through a stressful pregnancy and exhausting first year with three children. We talked about faith, parenting, school, kids, education...life. We had play dates and ladies' nights. I think I only made one ladies' night, but the offer was there! I learned a lot and grew. Growing is always a goal of mine...so I'd call it a success!
At the end of the day, or of the past three years, I think the bigger picture is that I'm going to homeschool next year. I think maybe all of this was to bring me to a place where I'm willing to, and realize I'm able to, homeschool the kids. I wouldn't have gotten to this place without all I've learned through my mama's group. I think God's plan is working.
So, whether big or small...take notice of how God is at work in your life. And don't forget to give him a smile and a wink when you can finally way, "Oooohhhh. That's why we moved to Georgia and fought with gnats for three years. OK, then. But couldn't you have led me to this realization without three months of 3-digit temps? Yeah, you're probably right...I probably wouldn't have have picked up on more subtle hints." God likes smiles and winks.
;-)
:-)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Dear God, What Are You Saying?
I've been known to say that life would be easier if God communicated with neon signs. Well, I think he might be doing something similar these days...but I still don't understand the message.
Scott is supposed to leave tomorrow to head North for a short visit with family in New York and then school in Connecticut. He might still try for it, but he might have to put it off for a day. Yesterday the heat pump/air conditioning unit...whatever it is we have...broke. He was going to fix it but the part needed to be ordered. So he set it up for it to be delivered to a company that has done a little maintenance on that particular item before and they'll call me and come fix it once it's in.
This morning we both noticed that our showers were only lukewarm. I don't even know what was wrong with the water heater, but he figured it out and fixed that. Then, while I was at the library with the two oldest kids, Scott heard water running and saw Tyler pointing at the shed saying, "Uh...uh..." The water pump from the well to the aerator was spilling water out all over the place. When I got home he ran and got some new piping and fixed that but now the pump won't work at all. So, he just kissed me and headed to Brunswick for a new pump.
This is all on top of all the issues he's had with his truck over the last several months.
God...you have our attention. But we're merely human...and dense. What are you trying to tell us?
Please feel free to interpret for yourselves and chime in...God knows we aren't getting the message. (He really does!)
Scott is supposed to leave tomorrow to head North for a short visit with family in New York and then school in Connecticut. He might still try for it, but he might have to put it off for a day. Yesterday the heat pump/air conditioning unit...whatever it is we have...broke. He was going to fix it but the part needed to be ordered. So he set it up for it to be delivered to a company that has done a little maintenance on that particular item before and they'll call me and come fix it once it's in.
This morning we both noticed that our showers were only lukewarm. I don't even know what was wrong with the water heater, but he figured it out and fixed that. Then, while I was at the library with the two oldest kids, Scott heard water running and saw Tyler pointing at the shed saying, "Uh...uh..." The water pump from the well to the aerator was spilling water out all over the place. When I got home he ran and got some new piping and fixed that but now the pump won't work at all. So, he just kissed me and headed to Brunswick for a new pump.
This is all on top of all the issues he's had with his truck over the last several months.
God...you have our attention. But we're merely human...and dense. What are you trying to tell us?
Please feel free to interpret for yourselves and chime in...God knows we aren't getting the message. (He really does!)
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
On Faith Alone
I think I have a decently strong spiritual faith. I believe in God, in the Trinity that God has with Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I believe that He is all powerful. I have faith.
But is faith enough?
That's the question I've been struggling with recently. Feel free to weigh in with your thoughts. God knows I haven't come to any firm conclusions on my own.
I suppose some background information is in order. I was raised Catholic and went to church pretty much every Sunday. We didn't miss many weeks. I went to church school when it was Sunday school and even when it was CCD, and I'm not even sure what that stood for! I even went to a Catholic college, where I was confirmed. For those who aren't Catholic, this is basically becoming an adult in faith. Before confirmation my parents and Godparents were responsible for me faith-wise. By being confirmed I accepted responsibility for my own faith.
Since getting married, Scott and I have discussed going to church many times. We have gone off and on. We're currently off. Scott's upbringing was different from mine. He's most comfortable with going to Catholic mass, but has never felt any guilt over not going. We went for a few months to a church in Washington. I really enjoyed the choir (the music is one of the things I miss most about going to church) but the congregation wasn't overly friendly. Unfortunately Catholics aren't known for their outgoing friendliness. Scott wasn't put off by not being greeted at the door. However, he couldn't handle the very old priest. The poor man started coughing in the middle of his sermons and when he regained his composure he'd forget where he was until someone shouted something out to remind him. That's what did Scott in. We haven't made our way back to church since then.
I've tried different things to become involved, working with a youth group, attending non-denominational Christian services, bible study groups. I enjoy exploring my faith. I enjoy renewing it. I like smiling with God. I just don't like exploring, renewing, and smiling without Scott.
I want him to be part of my faith life. I want it to be our life together, not mine. Our talks about faith leave me feeling like our beliefs are in tune, but putting them into practice...we're not driven to do that in the same way, or we weren't.
What's happened is that I don't miss mass as much. I think of going back to church in very non-faith ways.
"It would be a great way to meet people when we move."
"I do miss the music. Maybe I could join a choir."
"I like the intellectual conversation."
"It would probably be good for the kids..."
But I've found that when I think about going to church I don't think about God. God is in the rest of my life, in my heart. So, is religion necessary? Or can I make it, should I be trying to make it, on faith alone?
But is faith enough?
That's the question I've been struggling with recently. Feel free to weigh in with your thoughts. God knows I haven't come to any firm conclusions on my own.
I suppose some background information is in order. I was raised Catholic and went to church pretty much every Sunday. We didn't miss many weeks. I went to church school when it was Sunday school and even when it was CCD, and I'm not even sure what that stood for! I even went to a Catholic college, where I was confirmed. For those who aren't Catholic, this is basically becoming an adult in faith. Before confirmation my parents and Godparents were responsible for me faith-wise. By being confirmed I accepted responsibility for my own faith.
Since getting married, Scott and I have discussed going to church many times. We have gone off and on. We're currently off. Scott's upbringing was different from mine. He's most comfortable with going to Catholic mass, but has never felt any guilt over not going. We went for a few months to a church in Washington. I really enjoyed the choir (the music is one of the things I miss most about going to church) but the congregation wasn't overly friendly. Unfortunately Catholics aren't known for their outgoing friendliness. Scott wasn't put off by not being greeted at the door. However, he couldn't handle the very old priest. The poor man started coughing in the middle of his sermons and when he regained his composure he'd forget where he was until someone shouted something out to remind him. That's what did Scott in. We haven't made our way back to church since then.
I've tried different things to become involved, working with a youth group, attending non-denominational Christian services, bible study groups. I enjoy exploring my faith. I enjoy renewing it. I like smiling with God. I just don't like exploring, renewing, and smiling without Scott.
I want him to be part of my faith life. I want it to be our life together, not mine. Our talks about faith leave me feeling like our beliefs are in tune, but putting them into practice...we're not driven to do that in the same way, or we weren't.
What's happened is that I don't miss mass as much. I think of going back to church in very non-faith ways.
"It would be a great way to meet people when we move."
"I do miss the music. Maybe I could join a choir."
"I like the intellectual conversation."
"It would probably be good for the kids..."
But I've found that when I think about going to church I don't think about God. God is in the rest of my life, in my heart. So, is religion necessary? Or can I make it, should I be trying to make it, on faith alone?
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