My Back Itches

Don't you hate when you've got an itch in between your shoulder blades and you can't get it?  Don't you love when you're honey notices you squirming and asks, "Can I help you with something?"

Do you get frustrated when the recycling is piling up and the garbage is overflowing and you notice it but are just so busy with life that you don't take it out?  Don't you love when you've finally finished everything else and you're just about to flop down on the couch for the night and you remember them and head to the kitchen only to see they've been taken out by your love?

Doesn't it drive you up a wall when you're washing a quick load of dishes while stirring dinner on the stove and one of your kids comes up behind you whining, "Mama...can you (fill in the blank)?"  And don't you love it when you're gritting your teeth before growling, "What?" at that innocent babe and you hear, "Come here.  Let Dada help you," from the other room?

Decision Making and A Decision Made

A few weeks ago, I think (I can't keep track these days!), I found out about a job opening that I wasn't looking for.  A few months back I found out that the job existed, but someone had it.  Daphne has had this position for somewhere around 14 years.  But I love the sound of her job and told Scott it might be something I could do someday.  And then Daphne called me while I was shopping at Target and asked me if I knew she was retiring.  I did know that, but I have a few unpaid jobs already and hadn't considered applying for her job. 

But she called me.  She wanted me to know that my degree and personality would be ideal for this position, her position.  I told her I'd think about it, seriously, and went back to shopping.

Mixing Hormones, Emotions, and Babies

I put myself out there in this blog a lot, I think.  I risk judgment and ridicule because I think what I have to say might reach someone who needs to hear it.  Yes, many of my posts are entertaining (I hope) or simply reviews of our homeschooling lives or silly things the kids do and say.  But, on occasion, I write something that could be a bit controversial.  Today might be one of those days.

I've thought about this post for a long time.  It's a topic that I've mulled over in my mind for seven and a half years now.  I wasn't sure how to write about it, though.  I'm still not...but I'm going to give it a try.  Recently there was a 4-month-old taken to the hospital and found to have been repeatedly abused by his mother (story here).  This is one of those things that is easy to feel badly about, even get angry about, but to also let go of easily because it won't happen to you or me, right? 

Friday Fill-In #30

It's back!  With some great questions from the milspouses that answer the questions each week...check it out!

1.  What is your favorite MilSpouse blog (not including Wife of a Sailor who we all love, or your own)? submitted by Our Crazy Life (Wifey note: whaaaat? You can’t say my blog? No fun! LOL, just kidding)


I don't actually read a lot of blogs regularly, but the two I find myself drawn to most often are Randomonium (not only is she a Navy wife, but she's also primal - bonus for me!) and Planting Shade (a dear friend of my sister who's personality and writing style reach out to me).

2.  What are your favorite perks about your s/o being deployed (we all know there are perks)? submitted by Ramblings of a Marine Wife

I like realizing all the things I love about him all over again.  There's probably more, but right now, at this point in the patrol I don't want to think about what's good about him being gone, I just want to be excited that he's going to be home sooner rather than later and the perks that come with that!

3.  How long did you date your before getting engaged? Married? submitted by Utterly Chaotic

Well, on and off since 5th grade!  I'm serious.  It was way back then when I thought he was boring that she laughed and said, "You're probably going to marry him."  After years of holding hands on the bus and getting in trouble for calling long distance to dedicate songs to him on the radio (yes, there was a time that people paid for long distance calls by the minute!) we dated for over a year in high school. 

He broke up with me near the end of our Senior year so that he could join the Navy and I wouldn't feel tied to him.  (I'm still not sure if he was being thoughtful or selfish - but it worked.)  We remained friends and we both sorta dated other people.  In my Sophomore year of college we officially got back together, got engaged during Junior year and were married the month after I graduated from college...10 1/2 years ago!
4.  What do you think your would do if s/he wasn’t in the military? submitted by Adventures of M-Squared

He believes that if we hadn't gotten married he probably would have gotten out of the Navy and gone to Alaska to make some money on the fishing boats and been a climber in the mountains around here during the off season.  But if we were still married and he just wasn't in...I really don't know.  What he'll do after he retires from the Navy is something we discuss frequently and the options range from self-employed wood worker and general handyman to wearing a new uniform, a suit and tie, in whatever the equivalent of division officer is in the civilian world.  Time will tell...

5.  If you could talk to the Secretary of (fill in your appropriate branch) what is one suggestion you would like to bring to their attention in order to improve the lives of military families? submitted by My Life as His (Air Force) Wife

Such a thought provoking question.  I'm trying to think about what would make my life easier...one thing that would really help is to have free childcare at the gym.  I know, it's a little silly with all the other things that could be done.  But it would really help me to be able to jump in the pool every now and then.  Heck, I'd even pay for childcare...not much, but something...I just want it at the gym!

Valentine's Day

Is it a Hallmark holiday?  Is it a day of great romance?  Is it really about love or about getting things? 

I dare say it's all of that and more, depending on who you ask and when.  Valentine's Day brings a number of things to mind for me.  One of my absolute favorite memories of Valentine's is the cards I used to get from Grandma Kral.  They looked kind of like these:





Picture from Wholesale Accessory Market



Is There Anything Better?

Tyler sleeping in the back of the van while the movers loaded our home goods.

Marriage Challenge

Just a little note...Courtney, at Women Living Well is hosting a marriage challenge.  This is the third week of it.  I've been reading here and there, dropping in on Courtney and the other women who have linked up to read their experiences.  Wouldn't you know that it would take a post about intimacy...sex...to have me post! 

Basically, while I was reading one of the linked blogs (Sara Beth's) she asked how we, her readers, show our husbands that they're number one.  I commented to her and decided to put a little something on here.  I highly value marriage.  I think it's an incredible gift to commit your life to someone and feel fuller because of them.  I know there are a lot of less than ideal marriages and I also know that no marriage can be a bed of roses all the time.  But I think it's the most wonderful thing that Courtney and Sara Beth and so many others are putting their marriages in the spot light in their lives. 

I miss my husband.  Everyone knows that.  Somehow it gives me joy to know others are cherishing theirs just a little bit more these days.  To you ladies...I know you're not doing it for me, but thank you for doing it for you and your spouse. 

For the rest of you, if you haven't taken a look at the marriage challenge and are interested.  Here are the three posts Courtney has put out already. 

Week 1: Praise
Week 2: Creative Praise
Week 3: Pursuing Intimacy

Pet Names

Occasionally it occurs to me that I hardly ever call my husband by his name when talking to him.  When I'm talking about him I do, or I call him Dada and Daddy, depending on what I'm saying.  But when I'm talking to him I rarely call him Scott.  I call him Love, Sweets, Sweetie, Honey, Hun.  He rarely calls me Annie either, but uses mostly the same nicknames for me.  And when I write him it seems odd to sign my name.  I usually just sign "me."  After all, after the content of the message, it's not like there's a question who the letter or email is from!  Right? 

I like pet names.  Not only do I use them with Scott, but with a lot of others too.  Gracie has been Sweet Pea or Sweetie.  Jace often hears, "What, Bud?" when pestering me.  Tyler started the monkey moniker that now refers to all the kids.  I also call him Linus sometimes and Snuggle Bunny other times.  It's quite cute, though - he usually says, "No, me Lyler."  He's most definitely my little Lyler! 

It's not just my immediate family that gives and gets pet names.  One of my oldest friends often calls me Gorgeous!  I mean, really?  Can you beat the feeling of that little window opening on facebook with the words "Hello gorgeous?"  I don't think so.  And she's not just saying it.  She truly believes I'm beautiful.  And I feel it when she says it. 

Isn't that what pet names are about?  Bringing out feelings of joy, being special, feeling loved?  I gotta tell you...when Gracie calls me Princess (although I've never considered myself a princess) I feel special.  And when Scott calls me Ann Marie (which is technically my actual name) that feels incredible warm and loving.  Even when my sister calls me sister, it's a special thing for me. 

So, it's obvious that I'm loved.  It's obvious that I feel it.  I don't really think the power of all that joy and the depth of these relationships are really in the name calling...but the words we share certainly help give all those emotions life. 

Do you have any little names you share with a special someone?  I hope you feel just as happy, cared about, and comforted as can be when you hear your pet names.

Prince Charming

A friend of mine recently mentioned arranged marriages.  The first thought I had was a comment my mom made when I was in 5th grade.  I'd never thought of it as her arranging anything, but she definitely put the thought in my mind and if my parents had been in the business of arranging marriages, they may have actually chosen the same way I did.

See, in 5th grade I liked two boys: Joe Marcin and Scott Gebel. 

It depended on the week who I liked more.  But one day my mom and I must have been talking about who I liked and she mentioned Scott and I said, "What?  Scott?  No way.  He's too boring.  I like Joe."

I don't think I could see Mom's face, but it was a while ago so I can't say for sure.  But I feel like I heard her smile more than I saw it when she responded, "You're probably going to end up marrying Scott."

I don't know how the rest of that chit chat went.  I probably said, "Whatever!" and walked away.  That sounds like something a pre-teen would do.  Most likely I rolled my eyes too.

A few years later those swimmers shoulders and too-tight jeans had my attention.  Joe was still a good friend, but never anything more.  But, Scott...he became more.  He probably was way back in middle school when Mom first planted that seed.

In the movies Prince Charming often wears armor or a cape.  He's riding a brilliant steed or driving a fancy car.  And always...he's charming.  Scott is many things...but charming probably isn't one of the adjectives others would use to describe him.  He's direct, honest, confident, loyal, smart, strong, motivated, loving.  He's more than I could have asked for.  In fact, he's more than I thought I was getting!  He's incredible, truly, but not necessarily charming.  He'll likely never think of a candlelit dinner as his ideal date night.  He rarely buys me flowers or jewelry.  And I'd have to really beg to get him to take me to a play. 

Perhaps he's not Prince Charming.

Perhaps. 

I did fall in love with him over pizza and wings and Euchre games.  He did smell like the farm for many years and break up with me days before our senior trip.  He may like to watch Two and A Half Men because Charlie makes him look good.  This is the man who chose me. 

 Or, as my dad is fond of saying, I chased him until he caught me. 

Even though he may not be Hollywood's idea of perfection and charm...he's mine.  There's not a better match out there for me.  There's not a man who could hold my attention like Scott does.  No matter what you call him, what adjectives you use, he's my match, my mate, my friend, my love. 

My husband.

And, by the way...I'm no princess. 

But today, tomorrow, and always...I'll be Scott's wife.

How Do You Do It? (My Life as a Military Wife)

Perhaps one of my most frequently heard comments is, "I don't know how you do it.  I couldn't be a military wife/submariner's wife."  So, how do I do it?  I'm not sure I know.  But I usually answer, "It's not for everyone, but I just won't except the alternative."  And that's the truth.

But I will try to put a few notes out there for everyone...just in case something might speak to someone else.  So, here goes...

Let me start by saying that some days Scott and I think of his job like it's any other.  In many families, military and civilian, somebody goes to work and somebody stays home.  The worker bee may be gone long hours, may miss meals, might even travel for work.  And the one who stays home is often left shouldering the roles of both parents, living a single married life for a time.  Sometimes we don't feel all that different.

But those days are not these days. 

For the past month or so Scott's been carrying a ton of stress from work and there's little I can do about it.   Not only that but there's little time together to try to do anything to alleviate his stress anyway.  But what I can do, I do. 

• I feed him.  He's not home for most meals, but the ones he is here for I make sure are things he loves.  I also bake to give him something sweet to lose himself in when he comes through our door. 
• I adjust our schedule to his, when possible.  When he was working nights we schooled at a different time of day so that we were all downstairs, out of ear shot, when he was going to sleep and we weren't busy when he was getting up and free for five minutes.  And now that he's working at least 16 hours a day, I am almost always up when he gets home.  That means I frequently nap when Tyler does, but there's nothing wrong with that.
• I listen.  I don't know everything he's dealing with.  I don't understand everything he tells me.  But I give him room to talk to me.
• I talk to him.  I try to share stories of the kids.  I let him know what we're doing.  I don't pretend that we're not still going about our lives. 
• I touch him.  I give him massages.  I kiss him.  I try to take some of that stress and provide a little relaxation.
• I give him a break.  I don't call and ask when he's going to be home.  I don't get upset that he's not home for dinner, or bed time.  I don't complain that he doesn't have time for us. 
• I love him. 

So, that's how I support Scott.  It also needs to be noted that he supports me in all the same ways, except the cooking and baking...I don't think he even knows where to find everything to whip up anything more than a PB&J.  That's neither here nor there, though.  He loves me and that's clear.  He makes sure it's clear to me.  Just last night he told me how much he appreciates me and all that I do.  I know that but it sure is absolutely wonderful to hear.  He also makes it clear to others, which is such a lovely pat on the back. 

Lastly, we give ourselves permission to feel all the emotions that go with the deployment cycle and we don't blame each other for them.  (Here's another link with a little more detail.)

You might be wondering if it's that simple.  Probably not, but maybe yes.  After all, neither of us have energy for drama, complication, or added stress.  And our default is simple:  just keep kissing.

Comfort and Joy

So, I mentioned the other day that a dear friend of mine called.  She frequently helps me see things in a different light, even when I don't know the shadows I've cast over them.  So, while we were talking something was said that Gracie found hilarious and she let go a big ol' belly laugh. 

Over the phone I heard, "I love that laugh." 

It caught me by surprise.  It shouldn't have, but it did.  Gracie's laugh frequently wakes me in the mornings.  It overpowers the television, the story being read, the radio, anyone else who might be trying to talk.  She's loud.  And that's how I've thought of Gracie...loud.  But after that comment I realized she's incredible.  I mean, I knew that.  But her laugh is incredible.  It's honest and heartfelt.  What more could I want?  (Thanks, friend!)

So, since Monday I've been trying to enjoy laughter more.  It's fitting, I think, because this holiday season there's a word that seems to mean more to me than in years past: JOY.  It's such a little word, but I'm finding it packs a punch.  I've noticed the sparkle in the kids eyes - joy.  I've noticed the simple things like dinner with friends - joy, an embrace from Scott - joy, and laughing with my kids - joy. 

I hope that you find joy in the season, joy in life, and joy in your children.  Even when they annoy the poop out of you!  Love 'em, hug 'em...find JOY with them. 

How Do You Do It: Parenting - Just Do It

So, it's been a few months since I wrote the first post on how I parent in my "How Do You Do It" series.  In that post I wondered if I needed to change.  I questioned if our strategies were too demanding, somehow told the kids they were loved conditionally, or were just completely wacky.  Here's what I've decided: - maybe sometimes, hopefully not, and probably!  Here's what I'm going to do about it - keep trying.

That's all I really can do, right?  Well, I guess I could opt out and run away, either physically or emotionally, and leave my children and husband wondering what in the world happened.  That doesn't feel like a real option though, at least not for more than an hour or two...then I need to put on my big girl panties, step up to the plate, think of a few of my favorite things and face the music.  In other words, perhaps there's no right or wrong.  Perhaps inspiration can be drawn from anywhere. 

Granted, beating my children is wrong.  Putting duct tape over their mouths may seem like a good idea sometimes, but it isn't, ever.  There are definitely some no-no's in parenting.  Those things really aren't parenting though.  But within the range of acceptable parenting, I think there are many strategies and styles that can be effective and loving. 

I'm sure my kids sometimes feel like I withhold love from them unless they behave a certain way.  I think all kids probably feel unloved from time to time.  In the end, though, as long as the focus of my parenting is loving them, I'm pretty convinced they'll be OK. 

In the last parenting post I talked about a book I'd read part of, Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting: Moving From Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason.  Since then I've gotten it again and re-read it.  I think it's a wonderful resource and gave me a lot to think about.  And I'm passionate about thinking.  Sometimes so much so that I over think things.  (I know...you're shocked!)  I really do believe, though, that thinking about how I parent is a great thing...for me and our kids.  It can only make me a better parent.  

However, there were a few things that kept coming to the surface for me while I read the book.  First, he was talking about how kids who are disciplined, either with rewards or punishments, may feel conditionally loved and how that can lead to all sorts of problems in childhood and beyond.  I can't speak to other people's childhoods, but mine was one that involved both reward and punishment.  I can tell you the last time I got a spanking.  I'm not sure it was the appropriate discipline, but I'm not willing to say it wasn't either.  I got the message, I'll tell you that much!  And I didn't feel unloved.  In fact there's a country song for this.  (Anyone who knows me well is probably smiling.  "There's a country song..." is my version of, "One time, at band camp...") 

Daddy's Hands (this version is by Dolly Parton and Holly Dunn) is a beautiful song that explains how children might not understand in the moment, but can in the long run, that their parents love them unconditionally.  "Daddy's hands weren't always gentle but I've come to understand...there was always love in Daddy's hands."  I know my parents love me, then and now.

Then there's Danny Tanner...many a lesson was learned from him and all the trouble his family got into!  I remember one episode when DJ had done something.  I don't remember what, though.  She was anxiously awaiting some horrible punishment.  Instead, Danny told her how disappointed in her he was and had her go to her room to think about it.  Alfie Kohn states in his book that sending the kids to time out or to their rooms, or walking away from them, is a way of withholding your love.  I don't think any of those Tanner kids were unloved!  And DJ learned her lesson, I'm sure.  Since I don't remember what she did I don't know what lesson she learned...but every episode came with a lesson!

The other thing that jumped at me from the book is that there's no formula to follow.  I wanted that!  I was looking for the following blanks to be filled in:

• When you're trying to keep child B calm while she gives a vile of blood and child C is repeatedly ringing the bell (ding, ding, ding, ding) and child A is egging him on, you should __________.
• When child A whines every time you ask him to do anything, you should _________.
• When child B slams her door and stomps her feet, you should _________.

You get the idea.  I really wanted that.  I wanted to have a book that I could go to and flip open to page 462 when looking for advice on wiping a 7-year-old's rear or page 36 when not knowing what to do about 5-year-olds who wake up repeatedly throughout the night.  I thought that's what I wanted.

But, that might have been me thinking too much.  Because, you know what?  I've handled all these situations without a directory of parenting methods to turn to.  And I love my kids.  Jace may say that I'm one of the strictest parents in Washington state, but he'll also tell you I'm not the strictest in the World.  I don't know where he draws the line, but I've learned that he's usually right.  So, I'm apparently doing OK, at least on a world scale.  And even if I am strict, I love my kids! 

So, I'm glad I read the book.  It has brought about some changes.  I have begun questioning if behaviors are signs of a problem we can solve together or something that just needs to be dealt with.  There are some situations that I still don't have answers for.  And that's just fine.  Parenting isn't science, nor is it abstract art.  It probably falls someplace in the middle.  So, I'm going to say it's kind of like exercise.  There are lots of ways to work it out and changing it up now and then can result is excellent progress.  So, lace up your shoes and just do it*! 

*I don't know what's kosher or not about using Nike's slogan, so I want to be sure to give credit where credit is do.  They thought of it, not me!  By the way, did you know it's been around for over 20 years?  Wow!

Thoughtfulness and Thankfulness

I've thought a lot lately about what to blog.  There are a lot of ideas sputtering around in my head, but nothing that seems to be worth expanding on.  Some ideas seem to lead to nothing, no point, no moral of the story, no purpose.  Other's seem to be a little personal for publishing on the World Wide Web.  And some are going to require a bit of energy and actual writing, rather than just typing away!  So, we'll see what comes of all the thoughts floundering in my brain...maybe nothing, maybe something.  Stay tuned to find out! 

In the meantime, here are a few little tid bits for you to consider.  I just finished reading Run For Your Life, by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge.  I've always been a little annoyed when illustrations don't match the words in a book.  This goes way back to childhood.  My mother can attest to many readings of Wacky Wednesday (Dr. Seuss) where we couldn't turn the page until I found every little thing that was out of place on that page.  But, I digress.  The first comment I have regarding the great page turner I just read it the cover makes one think that a woman will, at some point, be running for her life.  I hope I'm not giving too much away in saying that that isn't really the case.  (shrug)  Whatever!  It was still a good book and I'm excited to read the next in the series!

One more thing from the book...there's a poem mentioned that I had never heard of, but googled and read after learning of it.  It's by Anne Bradstreet, and called In Reference to Her Children.  It's lovely.  Please enjoy it for a moment today. 

Now, on to thankfulness. 

Mama Loves Papa is a blog my lil' sis sent my way.  She's good like that.  I enjoy the blog greatly.  And I'm excited to be part of something she's got going on throughout November.  So excited, in fact, that I'm getting started a few hours early! 

Tonight, on the way home from trick or treating I asked everyone to join me in saying what they're thankful for.  Here's our list:

Scott - "I'm thankful that there wasn't a cop there to see me run that light that turned red...definitely Kyrsten green."  (Kyrsten is a friend of ours whose husband, Andy, once told us that yellow lights should be called "Kyrsten green.")

Gracie - "I'm thankful for my Barbie dolls."

Jace - "I'm thankful for the guy who invented Legos."

Tyler- "Llello"

Mama - "Yellow?"

Tyler - "No.  Me play my Lo's."

Mama - "You're thankful for your Lego's too?"

Tyler - "Yup!"

Mama - No one asked me in the van.  I didn't push it.  Instead I thought about all the things I'm thankful for, and there are many.  I decided that for today I'm most thankful for my husband.  Scott is an incredible gift for so many reasons, his ability to let things go and love me despite my flaws are just the tip of the ice berg!  I love him and am thankful he picked me for his wife!

What are you thankful for and thoughtful about today?  Enjoy it all...and share if you'd like. 

"Why Can't You Be More Like Her?"

I'm pretty sure that anyone who is a parent feels inadequate to be one, at least at times.  (If I'm alone in this...don't tell me.  Please!)  For me, my eldest doesn't help my insecurities. 

Sometimes he tries to encourage me and leaves me feeling less than encouraged, but laughing.  The first time I cut his hair at home with the trimmers was a perfect example of this.  I got all done and turned him to face the mirror. 

"How'd I do?" I asked. 
"Don't worry, Mama.  You'll get better," was his answer. 

Other times he doesn't even try to encourage me.  I have no idea why (other than the fact that I really can't park the car well) but he frequently comments on my driving ability.  He once saw a guy back over a curb and remarked, "Wow!  He's even worse than Mama!"  Like that's so unbelievable!  Geesh!

Today, he neither tried to put me down or gave me a left handed compliment.  He simply made an observation.  We were in the van playing cards while Tyler slept in the back seat and Gracie was at her gymnastics lesson.  The van next to us had another homeschooling family in it, friends of ours.  Jace's friend was sitting in the passenger seat of their van working on some worksheets.  His mother sat in the driver's seat doing something of her own, but occasionally helping him out.  At one point, Jace asked, "Why can't you be more like her?"

I asked how he meant and he said that I never help him with his work.  I decided that since neither of us was running into another room away from this conversation I'd let it ride...it was kind of nice to have the freedom to play a few turns before answering him.  When I did I pointed out that I do help him when he needs it, but that Gracie needs a lot more one-on-one attention at her age.  "Yeah, but you never tell me the answers."  Golly...well, that's totally unfair of me!

I assured him that his friend was also NOT being given the answers, but only help.  And we took a few more turns.  "But, you could do more with me.  I don't get to spend much time with you."

Can I tell you how much I just wanted to grab him up in my arms and hold him close forever?  How thankful I was that he just kept playing his cards and didn't see the tears well up in my eyes?  I wouldn't want to embarrass him and ruin the moment. 

I took a deep breath and smiled to myself.  After I played my turn I asked him if he'd like to do more with just me. 

"Uh...yeah."  Read that as, "Duh, Mama."

So, we're going to do more together.  I'm not sure when or how, yet.  But we will.  How can I resist?  And why would I want to?  I can't and I don't.  As much as that little boy drives me nuts...I love him.  I do. 

Friday Fill-In #17

If you follow me via Wifey's Friday fun, you might have noticed I was absent last week.  I have no good reason...well, I might, but I don't remember what it might be!  This week I have plenty of good reasons not to be sitting here typing away...I've been way busy and I'm so behind in everything...but I want to write my post!  So I am.  Simple as that!   ;-)

1.What are some things on your bucket list? (from New Girl on Post)

I haven't actually written a list...maybe I'll start that some day.  But two things I know I want to do are:  I want to see several of a grand places the US has to offer (Grand Canyon, Alaska, Route 66) and I want to take some trips with different groupings of people (my sisters, with each of my kids separately, just Scott).


2.How long have you been a MilSpouse and where have you been stationed so far? (from Raising Roscoe)

We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary in June.  He had 3 1/2 years in before we got married, but during that time I was his friend, then his girlfriend (again!), then his fiance.  He just hit 14 years (wow!) this month.

3.What is a list of songs that sums up your life so far? (from Confessions of a Sailor’s Wife)

Hmmm...
Daddy Sang Bass (Johnny Cash) reminds me of childhood
Under the Bridge (Red Hot Chili Peppers), for a few reasons this song brings me back to middle school
Amazed (Lonestar) still fits as "our song,"  it was our first dance as husband and wife and he still amazes me on a regular and wonderful basis.
Roll With Me (Montgomery Gentry), this song leaves me feeling calm and relaxed...the way I see our marriage most of the time, and our future together.

4.What is your favorite kind of pizza?

I love Hawaiian pizza but am also a fan of sausage, mushroom, and onion...and either is made better with some blue cheese for dipping!
5.What are three good things in your life right now?
 
- The time I am able to spend with my kids.
- The support my husband gives me.
- My still growing faith.
 
So, now you know a little more about me...head on over to Wife of a Sailor and check out what everyone else has to say!  And go ahead and add your own responses to the mix.  Talk about a good time...this is a ton more fun that any housework ever dreamt of being!

How Do You Do It? (Marriage: Time to Talk)

Communication.  I've heard it's the key to a good marriage.  I don't disagree, but I don't think it's that simple, either. 

There are a lot of things I could write about in regards to the talks that could and maybe should go on between spouses.  I'm going to focus on three things, though. 

• little things.
• dreaming together.
• when not to talk

While I ramble about these three point, I may gloss over some things that others find very important.  It's not that I don't, but just chose to shine the light on something else this time around.  If you'd like me to go on about anything further, just leave me a comment of send me an email.  Here goes...

little things
Yes, it's important to talk about where you want to live, whether or not to have kids and how many.  It's a good idea to talk about how you'll handle the merging of family traditions (and this could take years to figure out) and financial realities and goals.  But, for many of us, talking about these things don't necessarily come naturally and can sometimes bring out intense emotional reactions by both partners.  How can these conversations be a little easier?  With practice.

Start by talking about everything and anything.  Bodily functions, the trip to the dentist, grocery shopping, and interpersonal relations at the office.  Learning to talk to each other over the seemingly smaller things can give you clues to how to interact with each other over the bigger topics.  In my opinion, once your spouse has to plunge the toilet for you, there should be nothing that can't be put out there to debate!  So, don't dismiss awkward tidbits with a nervous giggle.  Think about them as practical research about how your spouse might react when you bring up spending the holidays at home instead of with his family.  Right?

dreaming together
I think it's a good idea to talk about your future together.  Note that I said future not futures.  Talk about your collective futures and if you want early retirement and the beach and he wants a second job plowing snow after retirement...there's no time like now to begin working that out!  By doing so you're sharing pieces of your inner self and setting goals to work toward.  I think dreams can be realistic or completely playful, but either way they're important to have and share with your spouse.

You may have heard that it's never to early to talk about retirement, and it's true.  So, talk about it.  Where would you like to retire?  What would you like to do?  When would you like to stop working and how?  You can also fantasize about career goals, hobbies you'd like to enjoy, vacations you'd like to take.  Think about the things you can learn about your spouse this way...and what fun it is to imagine "what if?" 

Dreaming isn't just for the long term either.  If he'd like a new big screen television, I'd consider that a dream!  But not one that's out of reach it you look at it together and work toward it.  It may mean date night is in front of the small screened TV you currently have with dinner you prepared together in the kitchen instead of a night on the town, but there's nothing wrong with that.  In fact, there's sometimes a lot right about it. 

when not to talk
Are there really times not to talk?  Yes there are.  Some say you should never go to bed angry, but I think it's OK to do now and then.  Not everything can be resolved in a short, sweet shouting match followed by make up sex.  Sometimes you and your spouse may reach a point where you're talking in circles and not making any headway.  Or you might realize that resolving this issue is going to take a lot more thinking and talking and, practically, nobody gets the day off tomorrow so you'd better get to sleep.  Or maybe you just don't know what else to say and you're feeling hurt.

Our unwritten rule is that no one sleeps on the couch.  No matter what we go to bed in the same bed, but we may still be angry, hurt, unsure.  I usually try to still reach out a toe to touch his leg.  And I leave the topic unresolved.  I usually try to say a prayer for direction and wisdom in how to proceed and I usually remind myself why I married this man and why he chose me.  Sometimes when we wake up I'm still angry, and that's OK. 

Thus far we've resolved everything we've fought over...in time, with a clear mind. 

So, I know I said I was only going to comment on these three point, but I think there are two other things I'd like to say.  First, I say all of this with my first "How Do You Do It? (Marriage)" post in mind.  The gist of that was that it takes two people who want to be married to create a healthy and happy relationship with one another.  And a big part of that, I think, is wanting the best for the other.  If tense conversations are had with this at the core, some of the drama is extracted right from the get go.  If you know if your heart and head that he would never intentionally say anything to cut you to the core, then you have the ability to hear what he's saying is for the betterment of your relationship, at least as he sees it.  I haven't had to do it in a long time, but when Scott and I were first married I honestly used to say, "I know you didn't mean that like I heard it.  Can you try to say it a different way, please?"  This helped. 

Second, know yourself as best you can.  If you can identify when you're feeling more needy, unusually irritated, tired, stressed by other parts of your life you're a step ahead.  Knowing these things can help you honestly assess your reaction to comments your spouse makes. 

Bottom line...give them the benefit of the doubt.  He loves you.  She loves you.  Talking together can be a great way to express and grow that love.

OK...I promise this is the last thing.  Really.  I swear to you that Scott and I are not fighting.  I just had a horrible time sleeping last night...a lot on my mind I guess.  So, after an hour of trying not to wake him up, I came out and finished this post, made a few to do lists, played some online games and watched TV.  Eventually I made my way to a devotional book I'd been considering trying to find again.  I found it and opened it.  This is what I read:

A marriage may be made in heaven, but the maintenance must be done on earth. 

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.  Ephesians 5:33

Marriages are meant to be complementary - two pulling together as one, not in competition, but in mutual association. (from God's Little Devotional Book, published by Honor Books, Inc.)

I think I read it to share with you.  What do you think?

Simple Pleasures

Today was a relaxed day for me. If you remember from a few posts ago (here) my back is a little "jacked up." On Thursday, the chiropractor told me she was glad I was feeling better, but not to over do it. I thought I was heeding those words of advice, but today I'm pretty sore...and I didn't even do that much yesterday. The kids and I went to the library and the fabric store. We didn't even go for the walk I was planning because we were running late. But the library can be an errand that requires great physical strength. (Check here if you don't believe me.) And a fabric store with all three monkeys at lunch time requires great mental strength, and herding abilities. Thankfully we all made it out alive.

After those two trips, lunch, and a calm afternoon, I even suggested to Scott that we go to Scenic Beach for a little something to do last night. We walked from the parking lot to the beach and back. We let the kids play on the beach and on the playground for a while. It was a nice night. I know my walk was a bit more hilly than the "mostly flat" walking the chiropractor recommended a few weeks ago, but it was short and I went slowly.

So, I'm not sure if it was some or all of yesterday, but last night when we got back home I was beat and sore. I woke up this morning, still beat and sore. So I declared today a lazy day. And, not only was it lazy and relaxing, but full of simple pleasures.

Jace and I played Battleship. I was so close to beating him! I swear! But, in the end, he won. He asked if I'd play every day with him until he was 19. And, then, after he got back from his honeymoon, if Scott and I would give the game to him and his new wife so they could play every day!

Gracie and I read books and laughed and enjoyed a little America's Next Top Model. I wasn't letting her watch that for a while, but she did well with it today. We'll see if it needs to go back to the Mama only list. I'm hoping she'll do my hair too. She did the other day and I forgot how relaxing that can be!

Tyler cuddled with me, a lot. He laid with me and I read him stories while I iced my back. He cuddled on my lap after nap time. He sat with me and put my arm around him after Gracie made him cry. He's such a lovable little monkey.

They all are, actually. I felt lots of love today. From Scott too. In fact at one point he gave me a kiss and Jace asked where he was going. "No place. I just wanted to give Mama a kiss."

Simple pleasures.

Wise Guys

I'm surrounded by wise guys. Gracie and I aren't dumb, but the boys in our family have such wisdom...you can see it in the gleam in their eyes!


The other day Jace was reading a Magic Tree House book in the back seat and reported to me that Jack and Annie remembered something from another book in the current book. Here's how it went:

Jace: Mama! I'm reading Magic Tree House book #39 and Jack and Annie remember something from Magic Tree House Book #4.

Me: They do? How do you know? Does it say that in there?

Jace: No, but it says something about pirates and in Magic Tree House book #4 they went on a pirate ship.

That's right...he remembered down to that detail. He always runs to get his Wildlife Explorer to show me things he's learned about animals. He reads each card when it comes in and then uses the binders as resources to convince the rest of us he knows what he's talking about...as if we doubt that!

Tyler's wise in a little bit different way. He's never had any problem understanding the spoken word, but he still chooses not to speak much himself. Instead he giggles and runs away. Or he might head butt you and laugh. Or, if you're his big sister, he's likely to climb up next to you when you're sitting quietly and say, "Ha ha!"

And then there's Scott. He's incredibly smart, first and foremost, for marrying me! But beyond that, he surprises me with little gems of wisdom as a father. One of my favorites is, "When their ears go to sleep, the rest of them is soon to follow." Kids become unable to follow directions when they're tired. And it's nothing but frustrating to try to get toys picked up or dinner finished or to get in and out of a store with a sleepy kiddo.

Trust me...I know. The kids have been plenty tired these last few weeks. But now they're sleeping peacefully, ears and all! Tomorrow there with be more astounding sparks of wisdom from Jace and more wise cracks from Tyler. And, in two days, we'll get hugs and kisses from Scott...and lean on his wisdom, his strength, and into his arms! We all miss him and can't wait to see him soon.

Because I Can

A few weeks ago I realized that I carry Tyler from the van to the store quite a bit. I didn't remember doing that with the other two. After I thought about it a little, I realized that that's because I didn't! Jace was 2 years and 2 weeks when his little sister was born.

And Gracie was 2 1/2 years old when Tyler came along.

Anyone who's been pregnant, or watched a pregnant woman waddle, knows that those last few months of incubation aren't the best for carrying around 20 pounds of wiggling toddler. Scott and I have raised pretty independent children, anyhow. Between their do-it-myself attitude and my inability to even tie my shoes...I'm sure both Jace and Gracie were walking through the parking lot and into the store on their own (well, next to me, holding my hand) by the time they were two.

I was sharing this realization with a friend and she commented that I probably just baby Tyler more because he's my baby...and always will be. He is the youngest, that's true. But I don't think I baby him more. I think I cuddle him more at this age, because I can...physically. But I cuddle all my kids whenever they let me. And if holding them close is babying them...well, then, I baby them all.

Jace still enjoys his cuddle time with me and if he goes a few days without it he'll remind me that he needs a turn on the couch with me. I even mentioned to him one time that some day he would think he was too big to cuddle with me. The disbelieving look on his face was priceless. "Ut-uh. I'll always cuddle with you." I told him I'd remind him of that some day.

So, call it what you may...but I'm going to love my monkeys with hugs, kisses, and cuddles for as long as they'll let me. Because I can.

How I View My Navy Wife Life

Do you remember a little song that goes something like this:

"You've got to ac-cen-tuate the positive,
e-lim-inate the negative,
hold on to the affirmative.
Don't mess with Mr. In-Between."

I think if I were to make a mix tape of songs that speak to me I'd have to put this one on there. I know what you're thinking...a tape? It just sounds better to me than a mix CD. Maybe I could call it a mix disc. Can we agree on that? Well, the last song on my mix disc of songs that motivate me would be this little ditty. It's not only a catchy tune...it's the way I try to live my life, including my life as Navy Wife.

Every wife has a different way to handle separation from their spouse. Some methods are definite no-no's. It's never OK to have a replacement waiting in the wings as soon as your hubby gets his sea bag out of the closet, even if he is from the other crew. This does nothing for morale on either crew...not to mention it's not recommended if you want to keep your marriage intact.

Other strategies fall into the grey area for me. Feeling sad when the tug pulls their sub away from shore isn't necessarily a negative, but could easily turn into one.

Now, focusing on the future, on your marriage, on your family, on your goals...that's accentuating the positive in my book. It's not always easy, but it's always my goal.

I had someone come up to me recently and tell me how she was going to be opening a bottle of wine and crying herself through her anniversary while her husband was out to sea. I suggested maybe trying some other way to celebrate such a wonderful day. Unfortunately, she wasn't able to hear me.

So, I'm putting this out there for all of you. One of the things that always keeps me going when Scott isn't here is remembering that he picked me. He jokes that marrying the girl down the road was easier than dating, but he did date others. He even considered lives with others. But he picked me. He chose me to be his wife, believing that I have what it takes to not only survive a military life, but thrive in it. And I do. In part, my successes can be credited to his support of me. But I also take some credit for myself.

When it comes to our marriage and how it relates to Scott's job in the Navy, realistic optimism is the name of my game. Scott doesn't butter coat the details of his schedule. If he's going to be working weekends for a month, I know about it as soon as he knows about it. If he has to work not only past the kids' bed time but ours as well, I know it ahead of time if possible. And with the very real possibility of last minute changes in his harried schedule, a little bit of go-with-the-flow is essential to mix into our planning ways. This all helps us be realistic in our goals.

Then it's up to us to be focused on solutions and what's positive. That means when Scott's not around for a birthday or an anniversary I might use that opportunity to write him a special letter about how amazed I still am with him. I might have a glass of wine, but it would be while reminiscing with photo albums or having dinner with friends. I might do something crafty with the kids and talk about love and marriage, and their father. Part of how I deal with missing Scott is to admit it and deal with it, but with my eye on the prize...we'll see him again in however many days, we've been married however many years...and always with the reality in mind that missing him is temporary.

All this said, I still get giddy when I see his number on the caller ID. I still get misty eyed when I read a card he's sent or left for me. I still have down days where my mix disc is full of sad love songs. But I don't mess with these perfectly normal and reasonable in-between emotions. I hold on to the affirmative...that Scott chose me to be his wife and share his life in the Navy and his life outside of it.

Feel free to borrow my theme song for your own. I think it's a great one!