April Update on 2011 Motto: be

Can you believe it's April?  Every year I find myself saying more and more often how quickly the months pass.  I guess that's probably part of growing up and getting older.  But I don't even realize half the time that I am growing up and getting older.  Things sneak up on me.  If it weren't for the constant reminder that Jace will be eight years old this spring I would be quite shocked by that fact too!  I guess time really does fly!

The focus should be, I guess, on what I'm doing with my time, then, right?  I mean I can't slow it down.  Even though sometimes I'd really like to.  I imagine a big ol' hand break that I force back with every ounce of my energy just so I can sit for a second and catch my breath.  But that's not going to happen.  So, how do I catch my breath?  How do I spend my time?  Am I living in the spirit of my 2011 motto? 

Focus

Ever since I wrote my post the other day (where I ended with this thought, "I'll focus on smiling...smiling is good") I've been been thinking about focus.

I say it often to Jace. He's not very good at it. It takes him forever to tie his shoes. Well, not literally forever, of course. But a long time. And doing his home work...I've started simply saying, "Focus," every time he has an unrelated story to tell or answers a question Gracie asks or starts playing with Tyler. Hopefully eventually he'll learn better concentration. We'll see.

You are probably hearing some frustration in my tone. I can't deny it's there. Things seem not to be going as smoothly as I'd like with our move. Nothing earth-shattering has gone wrong, but just little things that put me off kilter. And Gracie's teacher noted that I looked tired this morning. She's right, but I'd hoped that I was covering that better.

So, I've also been trying to live by my own words, and focus on the ways my marvelous monkeys make me smile. I haven't been doing so well at it, but I've been trying.

Tonight I scolded them a lot, for being too loud, too rowdy, too much like kids. I finally realized that and stopped yelling. Soon after Jace asked if he could come cuddle with me. I love that. He's less than a month from turning seven. While he was snuggled next to me and we were watching the other two little ones frolic I was reminded of one of those pictures where everything is blurry except the subject's eyes or gentle smile. Tyler and Gracie were laughing and jumping and playing. I heard them and saw them, but they were in the background. My focus was on the prickliness of Jace's hair as I pet him and the way he giggled at his siblings.

That's how I'm going to try to stay positive over the next several days, maybe weeks, while our lives are upside down. When I feel like screaming at the kids or the guy driving like an idiot ahead of me I'm going to try to take a little snap shot in my mind. And I'm going to blur all the junk that's not important or positive.

Here's an example from today: I don't have a stove in my room. I thought I did. I was wrong. I bought groceries thinking I did. There is a full kitchen that everyone staying here can use. The key doesn't work. I tried to make breakfast there this morning and it didn't work. The receptionist said she'd be sure it was fixed by tonight. It wasn't. I was frustrated. At the end of the day though...that's all background. We ate food from the microwave and no one starved. In fact, we had a fun little picnic style dinner. Focus.

So, apparently while I continuously remind Jace to focus, I need to remind myself just as often. Feel free to jog my memory every now and then if I seem a little uptight to you. A little shout out could go a long way in helping me think positive and appreciate the beautiful children and wonderful life I have.

Driving To and Fro

I'm not sure if I'm mentioned it on here, but I drive a lot. I basically have an hour commute each way to my living room. As a stay at home mom I have put more miles on vehicles than I did going to school or working a "regular" job. Most of the time I'm fine with it, though. After all, I chose to have this commute, twice.

See, the year we moved to Georgia was the year Jace started preschool. I found out before moving that Georgia has free, full-day pre-k and I was thrilled for Jace that he'd get so much academic attention...he was ready! In fact, we'd talked it up as part of the excitement of our cross-country relocation. So, when I found out that we'd missed the lottery for his chance to get into the local program I was bummed and so was he. Then someone told us that some day cares also had the same state sponsored pre-k as well. We found one, the closest one, half an hour away and - almost without hesitation - signed him up!

This year we faced a similar situation with Gracie. We didn't miss the lottery, but I didn't have an actual birth certificate for her...who knew? The day care Jace went to was full, but we got Gracie into a pre-k class at a different day care, also thirty minutes away.

I have felt that both times the decision was a good one. But, it does put me on the road a lot. And I see some crazy things out there. I've seen Superman walking his dog and a dog standing on the top of a truck cab...maybe he thought he was superman. (I know, I shouldn't joke about someone letting a dog ride on his vehicle like that, but...this is Georgia. At least he was going slow...around 20 MPH in a 55 MPH zone!)

Today I didn't see anything too insane as far as costumed pedestrians or anything like that. Maybe because it's unusual to have such a slow day for antics I was especially noticing the expressions of the people all around me. I found myself annoyed at the guy behind me who looked annoyed with me that I was waiting for a break in traffic before turning. I wondered what was going on in the car where the boy in the passenger's seat was looking out the window and the mom (?) driving looked determined to keep her hands on the steering wheel and her eyes facing forward. I felt a little bad for the woman looking left and right, waiting to turn left onto a very busy road at a very busy time of day. I was glad for her, though, that she didn't have anyone staring her down through her back window; she seemed tense enough without that!

While I was creating little stories in my head about the lives of the people I was driving past during my commute today I decided to smile. I'm sure I mostly have a rather relaxed, blank face when I'm going here and there. But today, if anyone was sneaking a peek into my mama taxi van they might wonder a little about me.

I was trying to look calm and content. Did anyone see me? Did I succeed?

Twinkle, Twinkle

A few days ago Jace told me that a girl in his reading group, Meredith, was working on a story about the two of them. Instantly I was intrigued. Meredith was in Jace's kindergarten class and he was quite smitten with her then. He talks about her daily. Until now I didn't know if his admiration was returned or not. He went on to tell me more.

"It's going to be a chapter book. She hasn't finished it yet, but she told me the chapters. Chapter one is called Love Birds. Chapter two is Broken Up...Maybe. Chapter three is Together Again."

The smile on his face was so big! I told him I'd like to hear more about the story as she got a chance to work on it. He couldn't wait to read her story either...anticipation was in the air. So yesterday, in the van on the way to get our Christmas tree, Jace announced that Meredith had written a little more...would we like to hear it? I hadn't had a chance to tell Scott about this love story in progress so Jace recounted what he'd earlier told me. Scott took his eyes off the road long enough to roll them at me and cautiously said, "Go ahead...tell us what she wrote."

"Well, Meredith and I had dinner and then we went up a mountain where I named a star after her."

"Aren't you the little romantic?" I commented.

"Meredith came up with that. She's getting used to it."

"Used to what?" Scott questioned.

"Used to me loving her. I loved her in kindergarten too, but now she'd used to it. She even let me help her with her book. I gave her the choice of going up the mountain in a 4-wheeler or an F-150. She chose the F-150 so that's how we got up the mountain where I named a star after her."

I think both Scott and I were speechless, or afraid that we'd laugh if we said too much, because we both just said, "Oh..."

Then, last night, at Scott's work Christmas party, he and I were dancing. The room was dimly lit by chandeliers of eight or nine light bulbs each. As we held each other close and sang the words of a country love song, turning around the dance floor, Scott giggled. Summoning all the intoxicated romantic energy he could find he said, "Hey...there's a light out on that one. And that's the one I was going to name after you." More giggling.

I fear that Meredith might be disappointed if Jace turns out like his dad, but only when it comes to silly, romantic notions. Jace couldn't have anyone better to look up to to learn how to be a caring, strong, nurturing, loyal, committed, amazing, and entertaining husband. There's no doubt Scott loves me, or that Jaces adores Meredith. With a few deep breaths and a sense of humor we should all enjoy the amorous adventures yet to come!

What Could Have Been...

Every so often I find my mind wandering back to the days of a younger, cooler me and wondering what if...???

What if I'd taken more interest in playing my flute and gone to band camp? At the time I didn't know there was such a place, but in the past few years I've heard it could have been quite the fun summer experience.

What if one of my art teachers hadn't "lost" my favorite piece of artwork right before the Letchworth Central Arts Festival? Maybe I would have stuck with art classes and realized my interest in fashion design. I know a few high school classmates who wouldn't be laughing at my clothes if I were making money selling my styles! Actually, they might still laugh, but I probably wouldn't feel so bad about it.

What if I hadn't wanted to be my older sister quite so badly and gone out for the cheer leading team rather than the swim team? Granted, I didn't have the ideal body for either, but I might have had the passion for cheering! Scott says he wouldn't have married me if I'd been a cheerleader, but I'm not so sure. If he thought I was cute in a suit, he surely would have liked a little skirt, right?

I guess in the end we'll never know how my life would have been different had I followed some other dream, but it is fun to wonder about. Daydreaming has always been a hobby, one I like now and one I liked when I was cooler and younger!

Oh, Wednesday!

Wednesday used to be my favorite day of the week. "Why," you may ask. Mainly because it's the middle child, like me. No one really likes Wednesday, but not in the same way they don't like Monday. Monday's aren't good because that's the day you actually have to get up and dressed and drag yourself to work or school. By Wednesday you're over dreading that, but you're at hump day.

Hump day? What kind of nickname is that? It just shows people don't really enjoy Wednesdays. They tolerate them and get excited once they're over, then we're on the down slope to the weekend again. So, why not call give poor Wednesday a better nickname, like peak day? Consider how our view of Wednesday would change if we thought of it like a majestic mountain top peaking the the clouds of Tuesday and Thursday? If instead of thinking to ourselves, "oh, it's only Wednesday," we could celebrate the climb and summit of the wonderful middle of our week?

Are you with me? If you are, maybe I'll get on board too. For now, though, I'm tired and can't help thinking, "It's only Wednesday?" Even I, an eternal positive thinker, struggles with the the five day work week. So, while Wednesday used to be my kindred spirit, I now look for the light of the weekend to shine through my mid-week clouds. Because, honestly, sometimes even Thursday and Friday are as rough as a Monday morning. All I really want to to be able to wake when I want instead of being roused by an alarm. Unfortunately, that's not likely to happen for a few years, or at least until summer.

So, while I'll try to be nice to Wednesday and look at it like a triumph in the middle of my week. Realistically I'll probably see it as a hump I have to drag my sleepy self over in my struggle to get to the weekend. So, although it used to be my favorite day of the week, I think it's time to be up front with Wednesday, in a public forum so it can't cause too big of a scene, of course.

Dear Wednesday,

Please try to understand that it's not you, it's me. Hold your head high. I know there's someone else out there who will understand you and care for you in the way you deserve. You'll always hold a special place in my life. No other day is spelled like you. I do hope we can be friends. After all, we have to see each other weekly.

Sincerely,

Annie

Oh, Really?

I'm not a naturally political person. I don't like to rock the boat on any subject and there's no way around getting sea sick if politics are on the table. But sometimes my feathers get a little ruffled. If you know me, you might have a hard time picturing me with anything but well-preened feathers, but today...I'm ruffled!

On the radio I heard that Huckebee is in Israel and commented to someone or some group or whatever that "it would be unrealistic to have a Palestinian state in the middle of Israel." That may not be exactly what he said, but it's what the radio reported. Immediately I was ruffled. Really? Unrealistic? Because you say so?

Well, I say poppycock.

Rubbish.

Bull honkey.

Know how I know that it's not unrealistic? Because it exists already.

I happen to have a friend on the inside, if you will. She really is. She currently lives in Palestine. So, it must be a real place, right?

I'm not so oblivious to think that there are easy answers to having a Palestinian state within Israel. But I think it's a bit naive to say it's unrealistic. Just because someone doesn't believe something is possible doesn't mean it's impossible.

So, let's go back to what we teach our kids...think before you speak.

I've thought. I've spoken. And, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go smooth my fluff.

Birthdays

Today's my 31st birthday. That's right...I said it! I enjoy birthdays, not as big, loud reasons to party, but as sentimental milestones...not that I don't like a happenin' celebration from time to time, though. So, for the last few days I've been thinking about life goals, past successes and lessons learned, my faith, my relationships, everything.

I like thinking. I like dreaming and planning. It's a wonderful birthday present. Then there's reality.

Earlier I was out painting flowers on Gracie's bed and wondering where I'd take my creative abilities if I had all the opportunities I could ask for. Would I buy a bunch of fabric and a dress form and start making my own clothes? Would I paint ceramic serving dishes and sell them at flea markets? Maybe I'd dabble in a few genres of creativity...writing, sketching, baking. With all the wonderful ponderings swirling through my thoughts Scott comes in and says he thinks we need a new sewage pump. Plop! Back to what's real and needs to be dealt with...life, in all its glory!

Happy birthday to me!

Life as a Road

We were out walking today, something we've been trying to do more often. In all honesty, it's something the kids are always trying to do, but lately I've been trying to say yes more. After all, it's time with them, active time for all of us...what's the down side? Anyway, we walked around the block, which in downtown Small Town, Georgia means three dirt roads and one semi-paved leg. I know some of you are in disbelief...but it's true, we do live in downtown, right around the corner from the store-slash-gas station and United States Post Office. But, that's neither here nor there...I'm rambling far off point.

We were out walking around the block today and I noticed on one of the dirt roads that there was a really cool pattern. After the trucks, cars, 4-wheelers, bikes, stroller wheels, and sneakers criss-crossed each other...it made art. I might start taking pictures and framing them. It's really beautiful, especially when you think about the road as a symbol for life.

What kind of path is your life? What would you like it to be? Do you think you'd prefer a smooth, well-paved highway? What about a well-used side street with a little pot hole here or there? I think my life is a dirt road. I might try to pave over it every so often, thinking that's the way I should be, but I can't get it quite right and the pavement cracks from wear. Eventually, all the traffic that passes through and over my story exposes the dirt underneath, and I like that. I like that everything that makes me me right now is layered in that dirt. That's beautiful.

My Life on Canvas

I was wondering what painting might represent my life right now. If I were talented with a brush, what colors might I layer on canvas? Would I go for realistic or abstract forms? Would I want people to look at the painting of me and catch their breath with awe, furrow their brows while pondering the meaning? What is my life?


The pictures that came to my mind were perfectly strong, joyful, and uplifting. Just thinking about it makes me smile. I wish I did have some ability to sketch, draw, something...so that I could show you all what I see my life as. Since I'm not, I'll try to paint a masterpiece in words.

I was flying. I was me, covered in colorful, warm robes. They felt comfortable. I was looking forward, not up to the incredible sky above me or down to the patchwork of earth below. I was looking ahead, to my future. My hair was flowing wildly in the wind. I was smiling, not a practiced, picture perfect smile, but one that someone might catch on a teenagers face while she was daydreaming of her young love.

The sky around my was bright, but not blinding. The sun was above, and it's warmth all around, but the direct glare was hidden by one of many clouds scattered higher than my path. There were shadows behind me, in my past, but even they felt calm. Nothing spooky lingered anywhere in the frame.

Under me was a quilt of scenery. There were lush meadows of simple flowers, and water flowing in rivers, over falls, and resting in ponds. Snow capped mountains grew up next to small cities of silver buildings. Neighborhoods of homes with fenced green yards settled near great forests with tall trees. All of this was tiny, small, difficult to focus on. It seemed unimportant, but was so detailed it obviously was.

Noticeable from the ground were thin ribbons, that looked like light breaking through the clouds, but when followed, instead came from me. These ribbons were less like ties that held me down and more like tethers that lifted me like a kite, but grounded me firmly to my life.

Ahead of me, almost beyond my view, the colors lightened. They became so pale they faded to blank canvas, to a future not yet painted.