be

"Be still and know that I am God."  ~Psalm 46:10

I don't think I realized that this psalm was probably in my heart when I picked my theme word for 2011.  

A little back story...I went to college at St. Bonaventure University.  Associated with the school was Mt. Irenaeus, a mountain retreat run by some friars and open to everyone for prayer, reflection, peace, and always a good meal!  Fr. Dan Riley is one of the friars who not only helps keep the Mountain be everything it can be, but he also is involved with several programs on campus.  He was a mentor of mine in many ways and even married Scott and I.  And he has been known to quote this psalm and break it down. 

Be still and know that I am God

Be still and know that I am

Be still and know

Be still

Be

So, there you have it...God's speaking to me using fond memories and new technology.  He sure knows how to get to me, doesn't He?  Especially when I'm not even looking for it. 

So, I want to focus on being this coming year, including being more present and intentional in several aspects of my life...like my writing, my children, my faith.  So, how'm I doing? 

Well, as you can see...I'm writing.  I'm not sure "how'm" is really great writing, but it's what you're going to get these days!  Seriously, though, I haven't done anything to be more present and intentional in my writing.  To meet that goal I like to begin writing for publication and submitting.  Without those two steps, I'm never going to get published.  So, I'll get a move on...some time.  Not yet.  And I'm good with that.  I can only handle so much at once and I'm handling a few other things at the moment.  I'll be more in my writing before the end of the year.  Promise.

My children...well, I think I'm doing pretty well there.  We've sat and watched movies together, without my being on the computer.  We've turned off the television and played with toys or read books without distraction.  We've gone a a few family walks.  Things are improving there, not huge differences, but subtle ones that mean something to me. 

My faith is still a work in progress, as faith often is.  I don't know what religion I identify most with.  I actually took an online quiz to see where my beliefs placed me.  I know...pretty sad, right?  But the thing is that I kind of feel like I've tried to squeeze into the rules of Catholicism and it hasn't fit right for a long time.  So I thought I'd go from the other direction.  The top three answers I got were Protestant, Unitarian Universalist, and Neo-Pagan.  I haven't done much with that yet...but it's a start. 

I do have to say, though, that today's realization that Fr. Dan's breakdown of psalm 46:10 tells me something.  I'm not sure what, yet, other than He's listening.  He's there.  He hasn't walked from me and knows I haven't walked from Him.  I also think, maybe, God's telling me it's perfectly acceptable to only tackle what I can handle.  I might just be reading into things since this is one of those weeks where I'll be taking one day at a time...looking too far ahead is stressing me a bit.  So, in terms of my faith...I think it's OK with God if I'm simply at be and not sure what my path is to "Be still and know that I am God."

I'll work my way there though, in time.

Be

Be still

Be still and know

Be still and know that I am

Be still and know that I am God

How Do You Do It: Missing Dada

Yesterday I wrote a post about how much I love my husband, Scott, even though he many not be Prince Charming.  Today I thought I'd focus on his role as daddy, or in our house - Dada.  He's pretty special there too.  All three kids love their father.  Tyler even admits it sometimes, but not always.  He's probably more like Scott than either Jace or Gracie, and he gives him the hardest time.  It's quite humorous from the outside.  And I don't think Scott takes it too personally.  Thank goodness.  But, when a father is loved, picked on, and looked up too so much, how do you handle a patrol? 

For those who aren't submariners or family members, patrols are about a three month period where Scott is basically out of touch.  He isn't gone for a year or 15 months, like some deployments overseas.  He's not even gone for six to nine months, like surface ships and their fleets.  The biggest difference, in my opinion, is that we have no contact with him.  I can send emails.  They go out and might get to him, might not.  He may or may not have a chance to send a quick note back.  But, there are no phone calls, no regular contact via email or postal mail.  And we're in the midst of a patrol now.

So, how did Scott and I prepare the kids for missing Dada? 

Some families actually video tape bedtime stories or hello messages.  We didn't do that, but we did get a recordable book called All The Ways I Love You, that Scott recorded for them.  We read it twice the first night he left and several times since.  Gracie and Tyler have each pulled it down on their own and read it.  Jace hasn't, that I've seen, but he will go sit next to the other two when they're reading it. 

We got a selection of cards for the kids to open up every week or so.  They're in the "missing you" and "thinking of you" vein.  Today we opened out first and it talked about sending a hug for every day of the week.  The kids are saving up hugs now for Dada when he returns!  Hope he's ready!

I got the kids "daddy" shirts to wear when they miss him. 



"Navy Kid
Toughest job in the Navy"



"My daddy plays in the water"



"Sailor's little girl"

 They love their shirts.  Before the next patrol we night need to get another option because I'm doing a lot of laundry making sure their shirts are clean and ready to be worn!  

And, tonight, Jace and I made submarines for dinner.  They were messy, but totally fun!  Basically, I cooked up some link sausages and let them cool enough to touch.  Jace mixed up some pancake mix, but didn't add all the liquid.  We then smooshed the pancake mixture around the sausages and baked in the frying pan.

What do you think?  We only made eight and they made the rest of the batter, with added water, into regular pancakes.  The submarines were messy to make! 

But they were totally fun to eat!  Jace thought it would be fun to get a black edible marker and paint them black like a real sub and then write "730" on them!  (The USS HENRY M. JACKSON is #730 and is Scott's boat.)  I think he's quite creative, but I'm glad they're nicely browned and not black!

So, that's what we do...not too much, not too little.  We talk about Dada all the time.  We look at pictures and share memories about him, much the same way we do with Grandmas and Grandpas, Aunts and Uncles, cousins, friends.  We have a lot of loved ones who don't live near us...we make them a part of our lives in little ways, even if they don't know it!  We do the same for Scott.  We joke about what he might be eating for lunch when we go to the mall and get Kataluma Chai shakes.  We wonder if he gets to watch Dukes of Hazzard at night.  And we make plans for when he gets back...hiking, playing choo choo, cuddling, reading books.  Sometimes we laugh.  Sometimes we cry.  All of it's perfectly acceptable here. 

We miss Dada.  Nothing wrong with that!  And there are lots of ways to miss him, but this is how we're doing it.  How do you you handle your kids missing their loved ones?

Prince Charming

A friend of mine recently mentioned arranged marriages.  The first thought I had was a comment my mom made when I was in 5th grade.  I'd never thought of it as her arranging anything, but she definitely put the thought in my mind and if my parents had been in the business of arranging marriages, they may have actually chosen the same way I did.

See, in 5th grade I liked two boys: Joe Marcin and Scott Gebel. 

It depended on the week who I liked more.  But one day my mom and I must have been talking about who I liked and she mentioned Scott and I said, "What?  Scott?  No way.  He's too boring.  I like Joe."

I don't think I could see Mom's face, but it was a while ago so I can't say for sure.  But I feel like I heard her smile more than I saw it when she responded, "You're probably going to end up marrying Scott."

I don't know how the rest of that chit chat went.  I probably said, "Whatever!" and walked away.  That sounds like something a pre-teen would do.  Most likely I rolled my eyes too.

A few years later those swimmers shoulders and too-tight jeans had my attention.  Joe was still a good friend, but never anything more.  But, Scott...he became more.  He probably was way back in middle school when Mom first planted that seed.

In the movies Prince Charming often wears armor or a cape.  He's riding a brilliant steed or driving a fancy car.  And always...he's charming.  Scott is many things...but charming probably isn't one of the adjectives others would use to describe him.  He's direct, honest, confident, loyal, smart, strong, motivated, loving.  He's more than I could have asked for.  In fact, he's more than I thought I was getting!  He's incredible, truly, but not necessarily charming.  He'll likely never think of a candlelit dinner as his ideal date night.  He rarely buys me flowers or jewelry.  And I'd have to really beg to get him to take me to a play. 

Perhaps he's not Prince Charming.

Perhaps. 

I did fall in love with him over pizza and wings and Euchre games.  He did smell like the farm for many years and break up with me days before our senior trip.  He may like to watch Two and A Half Men because Charlie makes him look good.  This is the man who chose me. 

 Or, as my dad is fond of saying, I chased him until he caught me. 

Even though he may not be Hollywood's idea of perfection and charm...he's mine.  There's not a better match out there for me.  There's not a man who could hold my attention like Scott does.  No matter what you call him, what adjectives you use, he's my match, my mate, my friend, my love. 

My husband.

And, by the way...I'm no princess. 

But today, tomorrow, and always...I'll be Scott's wife.

To Teach or Not To Teach?

A few months ago I attended a conference about unschooling.  I thought I wrote about it on here, but I've poured over my posts and can't seem to find anything about it!  Hmm...wonder why that is.  It might be because I was a little scared by the concept after I heard from the radical unschoolers on the panel. 

I went to the conference because I was intrigued by the idea of letting learning take place when and where it takes place.  Come to find out, there's a spectrum of ideas under the umbrella of unschooling, and my thoughts about it barely dipped my toes in the water.  The men and women on the panel allow their kids to choose what they eat and when they eat it, when they go to bed, or not.  In radical unschooling, "no" isn't heard very often.  I knew that that sort of thing wasn't my style and wouldn't work in our homeschool.  But I still liked the idea of letting the children's interests lead us.

I've said from the beginning that our style was interest led unit studies, so I guess the conference didn't change me too much, but it did make me aware of different styles out there and possibly more aware of all the things my kids pick up even without my trying. 

This past week the kids have shown how well they learn when they're interested.  Jace loves all things military these days...and the last several months, possibly years.  Anyway, he gets at least one book from the library every time we go on tanks, submarines, special forces, etc.  At a pancake breakfast a week ago he got all the kids together to form the KF, Kid Forces.  That way they could take us adults down if we got out of hand.  He's totally into it! 

So, this past week we've been learning about submarines.  Dada is out to sea and Gracie wanted to know more about his boat and I didn't figure Jace would mind.  We read about many different kinds of subs, some that carry SEALs, who then get out and swim to their destinations.  There was a little blurb about the SEALs.  I started to read it and then I asked Jace before I read it when the SEALs were started.  "1962," he said, without having to think very hard.  Then he went on to tell me that SEALs stands for SEa, Air, and Land.  Did you know that? 

And Gracie, may not have known that yet, although she probably does now, but she is picking things up too.  Her reading is improving by leaps and bounds.  In fact that seems to be how she makes her progress.  She seems really interested in reading sometimes and then looses interest for a while.  I haven't pushed it when she's been less interested.  This morning, out of the blue, she asked if she could read me a book, instead of her normal request for me to read to her.  I said, "Sure." 

She grabbed a library book.  It was one that I'd seen her with, but I hadn't read to her yet.  She sat on my lap and read me the book!  I was so proud. 

I think it just goes to show...schooling, homeschooling, unschooling...following a curriculum, preparing unit studies, or setting them free...teaching or not teaching...they'll learn.  I love it!  They're learning!

I get so excited every time I realize it over again!  They're really learning.  Probably not everything their counterparts are in Kindergarten and second grade.  Maybe not more, maybe not less.  I don't really know.  But they're definitely learning.  I'm giving their teacher a gold star.

A Few Little Stories...

I haven't updated you lately on the kids.  So, I thought I'd give you a few glimpses into our life lately. 

Jace was reading a book he got for Christmas that tells how kids have played a part in history (Kids Make History: A New Look at America's Story, but Susan Buckley and Elspeth Leacock).  He asked me if I remembered anything about September 11, 2001.  Earlier he had asked if I remember 1963, but I set him straight.  I don't remember the dinosaurs either.  Anyway, I told him about my day on 9/11.  The short version is that I woke up here in Washington and turned the television on to news coverage of the towers going down.  I knew Scott would be busy at work and figured we were far enough from everything that life as usual would be going on.  So, I went to school.  I was in grad school at the time.  In our classes there we discussed all sorts of issues around the attacks and our feelings and fears.  Then, on my way home, Scott called and we went out to dinner and called our families to tell them we were OK.  We hadn't gone straight home because we lived on base and the lines to get on the base were crazy long.  After I shared my memories Gracie commented, "That was a long day!"

I replied that it was, "But, there were many people who had even longer days - wondering where their loved ones were or helping to search the ruins of the buildings."

Jace didn't skip a beat, "Yeah, but it was a really short day for the people that died.  The first plane hit the tower at 8:46 am."

Of course, he was right.

******

A friend off the boat was over last night and Gracie asked her, "Did you know my mom and dad have only been married for a decade?" 

My friend said, "Really?  Only a decade, huh?"

******

Tyler's talking more and more.  I'm understanding him less and less.  If he says just one sentence I can usually figure it out, most times.  But when he goes on and on, which he sometimes does when he's really excited about something, I just stare at him blankly.  When I do that though he gets a little exasperated with me.  He'll sigh heavily and shout, "Mama!  Listen me."  I'm pretty sure if he could snap his fingers he would.  Once he's gotten the glazed over look out of my eyes he'll start talking again.  "K.  Jay an Seesee play downstair with lo.  Day play with my Buzz Light lo and me want play.  Me go downstair play lo.  You play lo me?"  (Translation:  "Jace and Gracie are playing downstairs with Legos.  They're playing with my Buzz Lightyear Legos and I want to play.  I'm going downstairs to play with my Legos.  Do you want to play with me?"  And that was an easy one!) 

I've got some paperwork to fill out to get Tyler an IEP and an evaluation to see if he needs more speech therapy.  I'll keep you posted.

******

I feel like there are more stories to share, but I'm tired and need some beauty sleep, which is more for a pretty mood in the morning than anything else, but it's still vitally important! 

The kids are good...they're funny as ever and when not driving me nuts, keep my smiling. 

Self-reflection and Thanks

Ladies, ladies...thank you so much for the pats on the back and the encouragement.  I really don't think I'm a horrible mother.  I do, however, think I have not-so-great moments.  I'm human.  What can I say?

I am very thankful that you all responded so quickly and with such certainty that my kids are in good hands.  Here's a little bit of an email my dearest friend sent me after reading my confession:

You want to know why you're a Super Mom? Because after you got done scolding your kids and making them pick up, you went upstairs and realized you'd perhaps vented a little misplaced frustration and realized that your kids are just being kids (and not bad ones), you cried because you're a Super Mom. Unsuper Moms don't realize those things. Unsuper Moms tromp upstairs and fume about their pain in the ass kids and absent husbands. If Unsuper Moms cry it's because they realize they can't off their offspring without being caught, and they're stuck with them for years to come, and it's only going to get worse. Super Moms accept hugs from their 5 yr olds and wonder if they're doing irreparable damage...which you're not. If your kids end up in therapy because of you, its going to be for something you do years from now....I can guarantee you haven't earned Unsuper-status yet and aren't going to any time soon. I'm betting on no parentally-earned therapy for your kids, period.

I love that she doesn't discount the idea that I could do something in the future that will put my kids in therapy!  Her support is laden with humor!  However, I think I might agree with what she's getting at.  I don't claim to be super anything, really, but I do think that there is something to realizing our mistakes.  Even in the moments where I haven't known what to do with a certain parenting situation and I thought I might be at my wits end, I haven't wanted to give them up.  I do love these three monkeys.  I do love their father.  It's a good thing.

And I like that I'm honest with the kids.  I think it's a good thing that I can admit to them when I've made a mistake or when the strength of my yelling wasn't quite proportionate with the transgression they committed.  I even think I'm getting better at letting go of the frustration and moving on to play Legos, read books, watch movies...have fun with the kids again.  I have noticed how quickly the kids move past being in trouble and I'm making a conscious effort (being intentional in 2011) to do so as well.   

I've always been honest with the kids about my emotions, which are many!  They know that sometimes I don't want to read a book because I'm tired and sometimes its because I'm lazy and sometimes its because I'm annoyed.  They also know that in five or ten minutes they can ask if I'm still feeling that way and I'm probably not and will likely read them a book.  So, even when Scott's gone, I'm not "strong for them," as some people try to be.  Instead, they know that I'm sad, that I miss him, and that crying about it sometimes is OK.  It's perfectly acceptable to wear our "daddy" shirts and talk about him.  It's also OK to have fun while he's gone and share those stories with him.  And we're all in it together.

Lastly, I'm making an effort to get to sleep earlier.  I'm currently trying to find the balance between a little kid-free me time after their bedtimes and the longer amount of time it takes me to actually get to sleep without Scott.  It's a tricky balance.  I am also over my cravings for Mt. Dew, which is spectacular to say.  I know some of you thought I was being a little hard on myself for having this one little vice.  But it wasn't little and it wasn't one.  It was a daily habit (often more than one a day) in a diet that is reasonably healthy otherwise.  And the cycle of caffeine, including the crash, was not something that I enjoyed.  I much prefer healthy eating, adequate sleep, and stable moods.  I'm sure the kids do too!  So, we're well on our way to "back on track" with that!

OK, one more thing...

I didn't write yesterday's post to fish for parenting compliments.  I like to be real.  I am real.  I want to put myself out there so other parents, spouses, whomever reads my writings know that they're not alone.  We all shine sometimes and we all need a lot of polishing other times.  Thank you for all rubbing you guys do!  Hopefully I can help you put a little gleam in your armor when you need it too!

"Tell me about your relationship with your mother..."

I know it's not always the mother that is the root of all mental health issues, but lately I feel like it is going to be me that the kids will have deep seeded issues they'll need to work out on some one's couch some day.  Does anyone still use a couch?  Probably...probably those that cost an arm and a leg...good thing Gracie has several jobs lined up and Jace is crazy smart and Tyler's going to be a robber.  That way they can pay for all the therapy I feel like I'm setting them up for. 

(For the record, I don't think Tyler's going to be a robber - Jace does.  I see him more as a cool high school teacher and coach.)

OK, I'm hopefully not really causing that much mental anguish, but I kind of feel like I'm a total wreck and, therefore, not being a great mama.  Last night I walked downstairs to look at the classroom, which I hadn't thought about in a week and a half.  I blew.  I yelled every one's name and scolded them for the mess and yelled at them to clean it up.  I made myself very clear that anything that was in my way this morning when I came down to teach them would get put in a garbage bag and thrown into the garbage bin.  Then I stomped upstairs immediately regretting the yelling, what I said, how I said it. 

Our classroom is also our playroom.  There are Legos (a lot of Legos) that are allowed to stay out and set up on a coffee table very near our classroom table.  So, obviously, when not kept in check, the little Lego men expand their lands under the table and on the table and wherever else they can think of.  It only makes sense.  And Gracie likes to color and those materials are in a cart right next to the table too.  So, again, when not kept in check, they'll get left on the table and dropped on the floor.  I haven't been checking.  The kids are 7, 5, and 3 years old...they haven't been caring.  Of course the table is covered and the floor is covered.  Of course. 

Of freakin' course! 

So I cried.  I haven't been sleeping well, although not for lack of trying.  I miss my husband more than I thought I would, which probably sounds bad, but honestly he hasn't been around much the last few months anyway, so I didn't think his not being around at all would hurt so much.  That probably doesn't sound any better.  Anyway, I'm also trying to kick the treats of the holidays and my old friend Mt. Dew to the curb and might be suffering from withdrawal.  Whatever the reasons...I cried. 

And Gracie came up from cleaning up the classroom and gave me a big hug, and apologized for frustrating me by not picking up her toys.  The first thing that came to mind was the fact that abused women often apologize to their abusers for 'making them' so angry.  That's when I thought that it may not always be the mom, but in our case it might be.

And, while I sit here writing this, Tyler is sitting next to me counting the letters on my shirt.  (I didn't know he could count to six!)  And then he asked me what my t-shirt says.

SUPER MOM

SUPER WIFE

SUPER TIRED

That's the shirt...and when I read it to him?  You guessed it - I cried!  See?  I'm a wreck!  I don't feel super anything...except tired.  That definitely describes me these days.  

So, what's my point?  I don't want to be the reason my kids seek therapy in the future, but I fear that life isn't always about what I want.  Bummer, huh?